Sunday, January 13, 2013

hmmm... not sure what to title this one

Okay, things are not going so well... hence the lack of posts lately.  I guess I have to be pretty happy and "with it" to post something interesting (well, relatively interesting) on here.  I'm sure some people have noticed my posts are becoming fewer and farther in between.  Or maybe no one has noticed...?

My emotions seem to be enjoying the roller coaster they have been on since my husband lost a close friend a month ago.  His world changed drastically, instantly, as did his friendships, personal goals, deepest held beliefs, and priorities.  It has been excruciating to watch from the outside, and sometimes even more painful to peer inside his world and gain a greater sense of what his world is like, his day to day associations, frustrations, coping mechanisms, and consequential experiences.  Sometimes I wish I could just crawl back under my little rock and be ignorant of all that he deals with daily, of how he depends on others besides me for emotional support and happiness, and how much he is changing, growing, learning - without me. 

Or maybe I am just envious of the support system he has created for himself... and wonder why I don't have one similar in my own little sphere?  I have a wonderful support system, but still rely heavily - no, enormously - on my husband for emotional support... and much of my happiness depends on him, and maybe it is just too much.

Whatever I am dealing with here, I feel an urgency to figure out how to snap out of it. I can't accept the general idea that it is impossible to be happy to be married to a physician (unless you are one?? - except for the sparse comments in the "thoughts on being married to a doctor" tab that assure that it is possible... with great effort...?) 

I'll let you know what I discover - hopefully soon - unless someone already has this figured out...


Mrs. Dr. Looze said...

My heart goes out to your Dr.H and you...losing someone close is never easy for anyone no matter what you do or who you are. I am so much like you in that I rely on him for much of my emotional support. I don't think any of us have it all figured out and I'm not sure we ever will. I have a long way to go but every month I feel like is a new learning curve. You will get through the tough times - this won't be the first and it won't be the last I am sure. At least we can all get through it together. Best of luck and I will keep you guys in my prayers. xo

Anonymous said...

I`m so sorry to hear that things are not going so well. friends of mine had a similar problem - he was working so much that she felt totally left out, each of them had his life, and the other one wasn`t a part of it. They saw a psychologist on a regular basis and worked things out, and now they are even happier together than they have ever been before. Maybe you could try this, too? All the best to you and your family. Jelena.

Jamie Lamb said...

Liz, I am positive that you will figure this life of yours out. You are too ambitious, intelligent, and caring not to!

It's okay to feel lost sometimes, we all do (I do A LOT). And all of us "doctor wives" know how it feels to see our husbands living in a completely different world than we are...especially during residency years. Many times I have felt so utterly and painfully alone, I have just cried myself to sleep! (that's not fun)

I just hope I can offer some comfort in letting you know that we all feel very sad sometimes in life...sometimes for weeks and months on end. I wish I could put my arm around you and let you know that you'll pull through.

I think you're great. You'll find your happiness again. :)

Liz said...

Thank you everyone for your kind comments. I appreciate the thoughts you offered - a lot more than you know. I am grateful for your encouragement and thoughtful ideas. Thank you!!