A Nightmare or Realism?

The other night I had a dream. 


My husband and I were on a date together in the city. We were leaving a movie theater and saw a huge explosion down the street a few blocks away. People were screaming and running in our direction. We saw helicopters crashing into buildings and knew it was terrorist attacks. There were dark clothed figures with large guns visible through the open doors of the helicopters. We grabbed each others' hands and started running down a side street away from the explosion. There was chaos, confusion and screaming everywhere. Suddenly, my husband stopped. His hand left mine. He turned to look at the fires and people stumbling around on the street, crying for help. I called his name. He turned and looked at me. His face was sad and apologetic, but determined and strong. His eyes communicated that he assumed I understood. He needed to go help people that had been hurt in the attacks. I knew that I needed to find our children and keep them safe. In a second, without any words, we both started running again - in our separate directions.

I’m not sure if this was a dream or a nightmare, but I woke up, sobbing, and couldn’t fall asleep again for a long time.

This realization is probably normal for most medical doctors’ spouses. In the past, I have thought about it and accepted that his career would pull away and hold strong loyalties and require sacrifices, not only of time, money, energy, dedication, but also of his emotions, his priorities, his focus, his view of the world. 

I just finished the book, Oxygen. It was a nice package, full of facts about anesthesiologists, hospital politics and malpractice suits, along with every possible ingredient necessary to produce a captivating fictional novel, (I almost always read non-fiction so this was quite saucy, and definitely PG13, and I was surprised by the ending). I enjoyed the peak inside the life and thoughts of an anesthesiologist. When my husband arrived home last night, I saw him in an entirely different and new way. Entirely. I was overcome, to say the least, by the fact that he remains comfortable and confident while daily controlling each of his patients' living breaths. 

I was unsure of myself when I first saw him when he walked in the door. As I think of that now, I think it is because I feel this new view of him will influence our relationship, our family, and me.


There is so much that I don't fully comprehend when it comes to my husband's training as a medical doctor. The book gave me a small taste, enough to change my perspective of what he does, but my dream reminded me that there is much more that I am simply not a part of and cannot understand. I’m not sure I will ever be able to completely unravel my complex emotions that must have led to that dream the other night, but I do know that I will never forget the expression on his face as we parted.

Oxygen and Earplugs

One of 52 "Proven Stress Reducers" from the BYU Counseling and Development Center states: "Be prepared to wait. A paperback can make a wait in a post office line almost pleasant."

I tried this today while I had my oil changed. BUT I also had four young children with me. I don't think those proven stress reducers were meant for me.


I am reading Oxygen by Carol Cassella. It is so good. My husband heard the author speak last week and ordered it from Amazon the same night. He asked me to read it first. I'm glad he did. It is about an anesthesiologist, and it has opened my eyes to what my husband is doing during his long, 12-hour shifts each day.

Another stress reducer states: "Wear earplugs. If you need to find quiet at home, pop in some earplugs."

Hmmm. Maybe I can figure out how to get more time to read this book after all.

Anesthesiologists and Narcotic Drug Addiction

All anesthesiology programs nationwide are required to hold a department meeting with the new anesthesiologist residents at the beginning of their training and discuss the issues of narcotic drug addiction. Anesthesiologists are more than four times more likely than other physicians to have a drug addiction.

My husband had his meeting last week.

The invitation to the meeting stated it would be the only time that it would be "required" for the resident to bring a spouse/partner/loved one/close friend with him/her.

We scrambled to find a sitter, in our new neighborhood.

I muscled my way through Seattle traffic without my kids and the advantage of the carpool lanes.

First, a movie presentation, covering facts about the drugs: methadone, propofol, fentanyl, and other drugs typically used by anesthesiologists. Even very low doses of the powerful drugs that the anesthesiologists administer in the operating room are extremely addictive. And then a detailed description of the death of an anesthesiology resident who overdosed on a drug while in his call room during one of his shifts.

It was horrible.

Then, a recovered drug, and alcohol, addict anesthesiologist and his wife both spoke about their experience with his addition.

It was scary.

The director of the anesthesiology program also spoke, along with the director of a physicians health program that directly deals with substance abuse, etc. conditions that affect practicing physicians.

They opened it up to questions. Only two people in the room of about 50 raised their hands with concerns. My husband was one of them. I don't think I'll worry about him - he is not the one thinking "Oh come on, this will never happen to me." Instead, he was asking questions about how to better prepare himself to avoid any possible experience with the drugs.

For the first time, I was actually grateful for his biking obsession and his disciplined dependence on 2-3 Diet Cokes per day. I can't imagine going through the stress that he is going through, without something! If it were me, I would be consuming huge amounts of chocolate every day, and I would weigh at least 40 lbs. more than I do now. His way seems healthier to me.

The recovering addict anesthesiologist spoke about how he never learned to deal with stress or problems, besides getting drunk. The addiction to the narcotics followed easily.

An important point missed in my opinion: a recommendation that the anesthesiologists (whether in their residencies or practicing) never try the drug in the first place, (I'm sure this requires an enormous amount of discipline). This meeting focused more on what to do if a resident becomes addicted to a drug.

I found an interesting article about the powerful narcotics being present in very small doses in the air during operating procedures. Researchers suspect that the repeated administration of the drugs during long shifts in the operating room may lead to drug sensitivity of the anesthesiologist.

Yikes, I have to follow up on that one.

At the meeting, the director of the physicians health program stated: without a doubt all of the residents in the room would have a colleague who would struggle with addiction during their practice, and that at least one of residents in the room would actually find themselves addicted to one of the drugs they would be administering.

Wow.

Interesting, and scary.