oh, how to avoid being sappy...

I just finished reading These is my Words, The Diary of Sarah Agnes Prine, by Nancy E. Turner.  I had mixed emotions during my experience with the novel, but ended up with tears and a full heart.  It reminded me in a powerful way how important my relationships with other women are, my mother, my sisters and sister-in-law, my friends, my neighbors.  I appreciated her descriptions of how lonely and sad she felt, how overwhelmed with responsibilities and tedious daily duties, yet how happy and in love she and her husband were during the hectic years of raising young children.  I found myself identifying with the heroine many times, and seeing too many similarities between her husband and mine.  It was sometimes sappy, sometimes predictable, and sometimes tiring to read of death, danger, tragedy, sadness page after page, but I felt rewarded in the end, and fell in love with my husband all over again.

Quite a few comments made lately about being married to a doctor have painted quite a dismal view of what it is like... for some.  I am sure that no matter what one's profession is there are downsides to the marriage; plus, let's face it, being married is not easy - all of the time - as we sometimes may think it should be.  Don't get me wrong, I think being married to a doctor has specific (and huge) challenges, especially during the medical training.  I started this blog because I wanted to create a place for people in similar circumstances to gain strength and perspective, to support each other, and also provide insights to those just beginning the journey.  So, in response to so many depressing views of being married to  doctor, I leave this:  because my husband and I are experiencing so many of the natural, unavoidable and challenging accompanying side effects of residency life, I believe we are able to not only experience but also recognize more acutely and appreciate more fully the happiness we feel together.  So, because couples endure the common challenges in a medical marriage (many of which are outlined in the comments), they are also able to experience the exact opposite: fun, joyful and absolutely wonderful moments - that literally, (not to be too sappy) make it all worth it. 

time for a relationship

When my husband started medical school, I remember feeling a bit upset about the number of hours he was gone and/or studying.  I remember often whining (silently) and thinking, "I married him because I liked to be with him."  I could not figure out how any couple could possibly survive the demands of medical school and still emerge with a strong marriage relationship. 

When my husband and I were first married, we did need to spend a lot of time together.  I remember feeling so completely dependent on him, so grateful for his love - and so changed by it, and I literally couldn't wait to see him every day after each period of separation - despite the length.  It seems silly to think of now, but I couldn't stand not to have him at my side. 

When people get married, I don't think we have any clue about how the marriage relationship will change, as well as how necessary it is that it does change.

It is amazing to think of how much more I saw my husband during those years compared to now.  If our current relationship still depended on how much time we spend together, my husband and I would be completely miserable.

Many people have posted about how unsure they are about getting married to a doctor (whether in medical school or residency or practicing) because their careers are so demanding.  It is true that relationships are stronger when people invest in them and spend time together.  However, over time my husband and I have discovered how to meet each others' needs without spending much time at all (forget immense amounts of time) together.  We do try to get away for a weekend once a year.  We do try to go on a date each week (though we sometimes miss once or twice a month).  Often our dates are brief, one-hour long, either spent running five miles together, or sitting next to a cozy fire at a Starbucks talking and slowly sipping salted caramel hot chocolates.  Of course our relationship has changed since we were first married.  Of course our needs have also changed.  Of course sometimes I silently moan about how little he is around.  Of course I am sometimes grateful that he is in fact working all night (especially if I don't feel like cooking dinner...).  But, in general, despite my husband's busy schedule, I think what matters is that we both do our best to invest in our marriage relationship.

A wise person once told me: "There will be times during your marriage that you will not feel an ounce of love toward your husband.  All that will matter in that moment is your level of commitment to him."

I think once a couple makes the choice and then works diligently to stay committed to each other, the couple will be amazed by how the relationship can and will develop, deepen and become one of the most wonderful gifts of life.

dreams and responsibilities

A few weeks ago, my mom and I were comparing our recurring, stress-inducing dreams about high school - "the one" that we have as adults, every so often. (Is that normal for everyone?)  She said her dreams always involve a big exam that she has failed to prepare for.  My dreams always, always start out wonderfully.  I am at school, excited to be there again, and to be with friends.  Then, I realize with a sudden and stressful jolt, that I cannot remember my school schedule.  I rack my brain, trying to remember what class I have first.  I wander the halls, watching everyone around me slip into busy classrooms.  I peak into a few, trying to find a familiar face or hear someone call me to join them.   I have absolutely no idea where I am supposed to be.  And I do not want to be late.  (I loved school.)  I return to my locker and realize that I cannot remember my high school locker combination (and believe me, I try hard to remember it).  I eventually go to the office (sometimes - if my dream happens to last that long) and request another schedule.  Sometimes I make it to a class and feel that I am in the right place, but the anxiety returns as I remember that I am not sure what class I should be going to next.  I am in an absolute panic for the duration of the dream.  Every single time I have it.

As I talked with my mom, I wondered if this dream could be due to my infrequent (but nonetheless real) deliberation about choosing to stay home with my children, rather than enter the workplace. (That is normal too, right?)  But as I have thought about it more, I wonder if this dream is also due to being married to a physician.  His crazy schedule has me on constant pins and needles.  There is no regularity.  I have no idea what time he will be home.  I know people have commented on here about a shared understanding that the physician's career is the #1 priority in their family.  But, I just can't live like that.  I have to have some sense of balance.  I also remember someone telling me when my husband started medical school that I would from then on be known as "the doctor's wife" rather than "Liz" or "the public health professional".  And, no matter what I do, will it ever be as important, or "recognized" as my husband's accomplishments and experiences?  Maybe my frenzied searching for my "correct" classroom, or the feeling of knowing exactly where I should be, is due to my insecurity about who I am, what I want to be known for, and what exactly I should be doing each day to reach my goals.

I'll have to think about that more tomorrow, while I do loads of laundry and dishes and use a magic eraser to scrub walls covered with crayon drawings done (emphatically) by our 2-year old, C.

please help me answer an email

I received an e-mail from a reader last week.  I have been thinking about it a lot since, but have felt unsure about my response.  I decided to post a part of the e-mail on here and offer some of my thoughts.  I am hoping others will leave their advice and ideas as well.

"...I have about 2.5 years of school left before I complete my elementary education degree, and my husband has about 2 years left of undergrad. He's in a constant debate with himself about whether he wants to go with optometry, or ophthalmology. The optometry option seems a little bit more calm rather than the ophthalmology route, but we don't want to sell ourselves short and settle because we are afraid of the bigger challenge... and by reading your blog, it seems it really is the bigger challenge! ...because the other night we just sat at the kitchen table and were trying to budget and just thinking to ourselves.......How in the world does everybody do it? We both have to cut our working schedules basically in half by next semester, and have to focus our next two years on school and who knows what will happen. We are pretty lost most of the time, and most of our friends seem to be having a fountain of financial security somewhere that we can't find, ha ha!
I guess if med school is in our future, we have a lot of preparation to do! I'm really afraid of loans. My husband doesn't have any thus far, but I do and it's terrifying to me! We'll probably have to keep getting more to finish these last few years.... then tons more I'm sure!
We aren't planning on having kids for a few years....(After all, I'm only 20).... but it's all on Heavenly Father's timing and what he says goes. :) But I'm definitely not afraid if it were to happen now, because your blog makes me feel like it is possible and that we could do it!
Have you or your husband run into any ophthalmologists or 'future' ophthalmologists on your path?!
I would definitely love some or any advice you could possibly offer us! I would appreciate it so much!"

There were so many thoughts flying through my mind while reading this e-mail that I honestly do not know where to begin.  So, if my comments seem out of order and unconnected, that is why...

Here is some helpful advice that my husband received early in his education, (during his undergrad years), and which he now tells people who are debating whether or not to go into medicine:  If there is any other career path that you think you would be happy pursuing, choose it (over medicine).  But, if medicine is the only thing that you can imagine yourself doing (and being happy), then go for it.

And this is my advice:  None of it has been easy, ever.  I have worked or been in school (when I took out loans for living expenses) during all of my husband's studies and training.  He is in his 3rd year of residency and I am still working to supplement his income - with four kids at home.  My husband also worked whenever possible (during undergrad, during summers while in medical school).  There were brief moments in between when I stressed about our finances to the point of inflicting help problems upon myself (shingles at 30!).  (*And my husband and I have loving and supportive families backing us up and helping us out oftentimes.)

Just today while I was driving in my van I was wondering what (or if) I was thinking when we decided to start having children just months after we were married and I received my B.S. degree.  BUT, I am grateful now.  BUT, would I wish this upon my worst enemy?  Hmmm.  I don't know.  I am a pretty optimistic person.  I also realize how blessed we really are.  But, the experiences I have had to go through to learn all of this were truly painful at the time that I experienced them.

But, I never have experienced other peoples' trials.  Maybe they are worse than mine.  Maybe this thing called Residency really isn't that bad... compared to what other people go through during their preparation for their careers.

My husband also admits that he will not encourage his children to pursue medicine.

However, with all of that said, it does change everything to consider how Heavenly Father can make up the difference, how He can teach us and strengthen us - particularly when we are humble and "needy".  Maybe my husband and I will look back on these years as the time when we learned the most, when we felt closest to Heavenly Father, when we exercised great trust and faith in Him and then were able to see miracles.  Because we do see them.  Every day.

Plus, we are happy.  Really, we are.

working at home too

A major advantage to being married to a doctor becomes very clear when one is sick or injured.  I have been battling an infection since my root canal last Friday.  I normally avoid taking medicine, assuming my body can handle anything naturally.  But the pain has been unbearable since Friday evening around 6 p.m.  I was trying to take the minimum OTC anti-inflammatory drugs and avoid taking heavier narcotics.  Finally, on Monday, my husband drew a diagram for me and explained my pain threshold, pain tolerance, and loading.  I have now taken more pills this week than I had previously taken during my entire lifetime.  But I can also get up off the couch and actually function... hmmm, a little... (shhh, my husband made dinner last night...)