Okay, studying for the MCAT, medical school exams, residency practice exams, etc. have all been stressful... well, okay, sometimes it has totally been the pits. But I had no idea how stressful studying for The Boards at the end of residency would be.
Weeks before my husband was scheduled to take his board exams, I left town with my four kids... straight to my parents house for a few weeks to let my husband study full time. I know he appreciates having fewer distractions. (I also enjoy being separated from the stress.) But it is hard to listen to him from afar, to not be there with him, encouraging him, feeding him, comforting him, etc. during such a stressful time.
I sure hope we don't have to repeat this experience again next summer. Though, I guess he'll have to take additional boards after his year of fellowship... my goodness!
I guess it never ends in the medical field - they have to maintain their board certification status by passing boards every ten years, I believe.
Wow.
Showing posts with label residency. Show all posts
Showing posts with label residency. Show all posts
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
a few more details about The Match
The Match is next week. I have a few family members and friends involved in it, so I decided to post details about how to prepare for it, as well as look into how it has changed since my husband matched.
Of course the best resource for information is http://www.nrmp.org/ - the actual website for the National Residency Matching Program. But, I also found another article, Getting Into Residency: Most Important Factors, that lists a few key things that residency program directors look at when choosing who to interview and how to rank those that are interviewed for the match. In order of importance:
1. Letters of reference from physicians in the applicant's desired specialty.
2. Step 1 and Step 2 scores (USMLE). 187 is passing. A few examples of Step 1 average scores of those that matched into the following specialties:
3. Grades earned in the applicant's desired specialty (honors, AOA, etc.)
4. Medical school (relative depending on program and competitiveness of specialty)
5. Personal statement (often "used mostly as a screening tool" after the interview). Make sure it "fits" the specialty.
6. Volunteer and extracurricular activities, such as research, (though each program differs, research is very helpful for competitive specialties.
7. Away electives (rotations) - also very helpful for competitive specialties
8. Medical school performance evaluation (MSPE)
When programs rank applicants, the following are considered, in addition to the above mentioned points, in order of importance:
1. Residency interview. Yes, that's all. A lot of emphasis is placed on "interpersonal skills, professionalism, feedback from residents and house staff, perceived commitment to the specialty, ethics," etc. during the interview experience.
According to the article, the top three factors** involving how an applicant is ranked by a program are:
1. "Letters of reference from individuals within the specialty"
2. "Grades in clerkship in desired specialty"
3. "The most important factors are... evaluated during interview day"
(** For competitive specialties, research and away electives also weigh heavily.)
However, each program also differs in what type of applicant they are looking for. There is an NRMP Program Director Survey where applicants can discover the specific goals and visions of residency program directors. More information on that in the article referenced above (Getting Into Residency...).
Some good advice for applicants:
* Study the previous year's match results in order to determine the "highly competitive", "competitive" and "non-competitive" specialties. You can find these at http://www.nrmp.org/.
*Find out how competitive the programs are that you are interested in. Determine this by comparing test scores of graduates from previous years in a specialty's various programs. These are usually posted on the website for that specialty's main group (i.e. American Society of _, or American Board of _)
* If your backup plan is to "scramble"into a less competitive residency program (i.e. pediatrics, family practice, psychiatry, internal medicine, etc.), just go ahead and apply in two specialties. (Make sure letters of rec are not specifically recommending the applicant to only one specialty.)
* Spend a year in research and re-apply as a senior student. Can do specialty-specific or a combined program such as MD/MBA, MD/MPH, MA/MD)
*Alternative training route - choose a specialty that can lead to the desired specialty
* Have a realistic "backup plan".
(Some of these ideas are from Dorothy Andriole, MD, Washington University School of Medicine St. Louis MO.)
BOTTOM LINE:
1. Develop strong relationships with individuals in the desired specialty and get awesome letters of rec from them.
2. Study a lot (get good test scores and good grades).
3. Develop your interpersonal skills (see #1). Talk often with everyone around you that might have insights into programs, specialties and possibilities for your future, particularly your medical school counselor/mentor.
For applicants who do not match, things have changed since my husband was at that point. Here is an article describing last year's match results, Highest Match Rate for U.S. Medical School Seniors in 30 Years. There is now a computer program for applicants who did not match into a program, (much more appealing and effective than before, when individuals had to immediately start cold-calling residency programs and simply beg to fill one of their unfilled positions...)
Here is the description of the program from the article referenced above:
"For individuals who were not matched to a residency position, the NRMP debuted the Supplemental Offer and Acceptance Program℠ (SOAP℠), a new process developed in partnership with the Association of American Medical Colleges (AAMC) and in consultation with student affairs deans, residency program directors, resident physicians, and medical students. Designed to help streamline, equalize, and automate the process for students who are not matched initially, SOAP replaces the “Scramble,” the unofficial name for the period of time during Match Week when unmatched applicants contact programs with unfilled positions. Under SOAP, the NRMP makes available the locations of unfilled positions so that unmatched students can submit applications for these positions through the AAMC’s Electronic Residency Application Service® (ERAS®). After receiving applications through ERAS, residency program directors create a list of candidates in order of preference and the NRMP offers positions in that order in a series of up to eight rounds. Applicants are able to receive multiple offers in a single round; if an offer is accepted, it is binding."
Important note: I am not an authority on The Match. I pulled all of the above information from the referenced websites and articles, my husband's opinions and random forums found via google.
And just remember during all of this fun stuff that residency is much, much, much, much, much more challenging and excruciating than medical school... (of which memories we now view longingly as a "PAR-TEE!!")
Of course the best resource for information is http://www.nrmp.org/ - the actual website for the National Residency Matching Program. But, I also found another article, Getting Into Residency: Most Important Factors, that lists a few key things that residency program directors look at when choosing who to interview and how to rank those that are interviewed for the match. In order of importance:
1. Letters of reference from physicians in the applicant's desired specialty.
2. Step 1 and Step 2 scores (USMLE). 187 is passing. A few examples of Step 1 average scores of those that matched into the following specialties:
- Dermatology: 221
- Orthopedic surgery: 217
- Otolaryngology: 224
- Plastic surgery: 221
- Pediatrics: 200
- Family medicine: 194
- Psychiatry: 197
3. Grades earned in the applicant's desired specialty (honors, AOA, etc.)
4. Medical school (relative depending on program and competitiveness of specialty)
5. Personal statement (often "used mostly as a screening tool" after the interview). Make sure it "fits" the specialty.
6. Volunteer and extracurricular activities, such as research, (though each program differs, research is very helpful for competitive specialties.
7. Away electives (rotations) - also very helpful for competitive specialties
8. Medical school performance evaluation (MSPE)
When programs rank applicants, the following are considered, in addition to the above mentioned points, in order of importance:
1. Residency interview. Yes, that's all. A lot of emphasis is placed on "interpersonal skills, professionalism, feedback from residents and house staff, perceived commitment to the specialty, ethics," etc. during the interview experience.
According to the article, the top three factors** involving how an applicant is ranked by a program are:
1. "Letters of reference from individuals within the specialty"
2. "Grades in clerkship in desired specialty"
3. "The most important factors are... evaluated during interview day"
(** For competitive specialties, research and away electives also weigh heavily.)
However, each program also differs in what type of applicant they are looking for. There is an NRMP Program Director Survey where applicants can discover the specific goals and visions of residency program directors. More information on that in the article referenced above (Getting Into Residency...).
Some good advice for applicants:
* Study the previous year's match results in order to determine the "highly competitive", "competitive" and "non-competitive" specialties. You can find these at http://www.nrmp.org/.
*Find out how competitive the programs are that you are interested in. Determine this by comparing test scores of graduates from previous years in a specialty's various programs. These are usually posted on the website for that specialty's main group (i.e. American Society of _, or American Board of _)
* If your backup plan is to "scramble"into a less competitive residency program (i.e. pediatrics, family practice, psychiatry, internal medicine, etc.), just go ahead and apply in two specialties. (Make sure letters of rec are not specifically recommending the applicant to only one specialty.)
* Spend a year in research and re-apply as a senior student. Can do specialty-specific or a combined program such as MD/MBA, MD/MPH, MA/MD)
*Alternative training route - choose a specialty that can lead to the desired specialty
* Have a realistic "backup plan".
(Some of these ideas are from Dorothy Andriole, MD, Washington University School of Medicine St. Louis MO.)
BOTTOM LINE:
1. Develop strong relationships with individuals in the desired specialty and get awesome letters of rec from them.
2. Study a lot (get good test scores and good grades).
3. Develop your interpersonal skills (see #1). Talk often with everyone around you that might have insights into programs, specialties and possibilities for your future, particularly your medical school counselor/mentor.
For applicants who do not match, things have changed since my husband was at that point. Here is an article describing last year's match results, Highest Match Rate for U.S. Medical School Seniors in 30 Years. There is now a computer program for applicants who did not match into a program, (much more appealing and effective than before, when individuals had to immediately start cold-calling residency programs and simply beg to fill one of their unfilled positions...)
Here is the description of the program from the article referenced above:
"For individuals who were not matched to a residency position, the NRMP debuted the Supplemental Offer and Acceptance Program℠ (SOAP℠), a new process developed in partnership with the Association of American Medical Colleges (AAMC) and in consultation with student affairs deans, residency program directors, resident physicians, and medical students. Designed to help streamline, equalize, and automate the process for students who are not matched initially, SOAP replaces the “Scramble,” the unofficial name for the period of time during Match Week when unmatched applicants contact programs with unfilled positions. Under SOAP, the NRMP makes available the locations of unfilled positions so that unmatched students can submit applications for these positions through the AAMC’s Electronic Residency Application Service® (ERAS®). After receiving applications through ERAS, residency program directors create a list of candidates in order of preference and the NRMP offers positions in that order in a series of up to eight rounds. Applicants are able to receive multiple offers in a single round; if an offer is accepted, it is binding."
Important note: I am not an authority on The Match. I pulled all of the above information from the referenced websites and articles, my husband's opinions and random forums found via google.
And just remember during all of this fun stuff that residency is much, much, much, much, much more challenging and excruciating than medical school... (of which memories we now view longingly as a "PAR-TEE!!")
Monday, September 24, 2012
anticipation is... not one of my strengths
A normal day. But full of anxiety. Waiting. Wondering. Anticipating a change. But not sure if one will come. Will these moments always be present? I recall feeling like we had "made it" once my husband was accepted into medical school. I didn't know the following eight years would be full of additional applications, matches, ranking, decisions... yes, it's the decisions that weigh on and gnaw at our peace and happiness. Sometimes I feel it would be nice if someone would just tell us what to do... which specialty, which fellowship, which job, which city, which neighborhood... which path will be the best for our family, for our growth, for our happiness. But... then I am so grateful for the opportunity to choose for ourselves. My husband's decision to apply for a fellowship was a difficult one, up until the last moment that he could withdraw his name from the system. He felt good inside about leaving his name on the rank list... though his head tells him it is time to get a job and start paying back on loans.
I read in a National Geographic Travel magazine the other day the following statement: "Worrying is praying for something that you don't want." I like that idea, but it is difficult to incorporate into my genetically programmed being that is 98% of the time completely indecisive and while making decisions worries endlessly - even about decisions already made (some, even years ago).
Sometimes I wish I could climb a tree like my kids do, to momentarily avoid making "big" decisions, to be forced to make small but important decisions as I climb, to feel the challenge, the rush, the calmness, the reward as I reach the top and settle down on the perfect branch, to be renewed by the feeling of having escaped from the world below. (My older brother and I grew up mostly high up in trees.) But, I'm a little old for that now, and the neighbors might worry about me (that is, if they aren't already quite worried).
My husband will find out the results of the match in a couple of weeks, but the anticipation is thick already. It feels like our lives are on hold. Neither my husband nor I handle anticipation well. But... we are being nice to each other and this is normally when we fight - which we rarely do because this level of anticipation is rare - but because we are both awful at waiting patiently - and calmly - for life-changing information.
I read in a National Geographic Travel magazine the other day the following statement: "Worrying is praying for something that you don't want." I like that idea, but it is difficult to incorporate into my genetically programmed being that is 98% of the time completely indecisive and while making decisions worries endlessly - even about decisions already made (some, even years ago).
Sometimes I wish I could climb a tree like my kids do, to momentarily avoid making "big" decisions, to be forced to make small but important decisions as I climb, to feel the challenge, the rush, the calmness, the reward as I reach the top and settle down on the perfect branch, to be renewed by the feeling of having escaped from the world below. (My older brother and I grew up mostly high up in trees.) But, I'm a little old for that now, and the neighbors might worry about me (that is, if they aren't already quite worried).
My husband will find out the results of the match in a couple of weeks, but the anticipation is thick already. It feels like our lives are on hold. Neither my husband nor I handle anticipation well. But... we are being nice to each other and this is normally when we fight - which we rarely do because this level of anticipation is rare - but because we are both awful at waiting patiently - and calmly - for life-changing information.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
oh, how to avoid being sappy...
I just finished reading These is my Words, The Diary of Sarah Agnes Prine, by Nancy E. Turner. I had mixed emotions during my experience with the novel, but ended up with tears and a full heart. It reminded me in a powerful way how important my relationships with other women are, my mother, my sisters and sister-in-law, my friends, my neighbors. I appreciated her descriptions of how lonely and sad she felt, how overwhelmed with responsibilities and tedious daily duties, yet how happy and in love she and her husband were during the hectic years of raising young children. I found myself identifying with the heroine many times, and seeing too many similarities between her husband and mine. It was sometimes sappy, sometimes predictable, and sometimes tiring to read of death, danger, tragedy, sadness page after page, but I felt rewarded in the end, and fell in love with my husband all over again.
Quite a few comments made lately about being married to a doctor have painted quite a dismal view of what it is like... for some. I am sure that no matter what one's profession is there are downsides to the marriage; plus, let's face it, being married is not easy - all of the time - as we sometimes may think it should be. Don't get me wrong, I think being married to a doctor has specific (and huge) challenges, especially during the medical training. I started this blog because I wanted to create a place for people in similar circumstances to gain strength and perspective, to support each other, and also provide insights to those just beginning the journey. So, in response to so many depressing views of being married to doctor, I leave this: because my husband and I are experiencing so many of the natural, unavoidable and challenging accompanying side effects of residency life, I believe we are able to not only experience but also recognize more acutely and appreciate more fully the happiness we feel together. So, because couples endure the common challenges in a medical marriage (many of which are outlined in the comments), they are also able to experience the exact opposite: fun, joyful and absolutely wonderful moments - that literally, (not to be too sappy) make it all worth it.
Quite a few comments made lately about being married to a doctor have painted quite a dismal view of what it is like... for some. I am sure that no matter what one's profession is there are downsides to the marriage; plus, let's face it, being married is not easy - all of the time - as we sometimes may think it should be. Don't get me wrong, I think being married to a doctor has specific (and huge) challenges, especially during the medical training. I started this blog because I wanted to create a place for people in similar circumstances to gain strength and perspective, to support each other, and also provide insights to those just beginning the journey. So, in response to so many depressing views of being married to doctor, I leave this: because my husband and I are experiencing so many of the natural, unavoidable and challenging accompanying side effects of residency life, I believe we are able to not only experience but also recognize more acutely and appreciate more fully the happiness we feel together. So, because couples endure the common challenges in a medical marriage (many of which are outlined in the comments), they are also able to experience the exact opposite: fun, joyful and absolutely wonderful moments - that literally, (not to be too sappy) make it all worth it.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
has it all been worth it - despite the end result?
So, did anyone read one of the latest comments under the tab "thoughts on being married to a doctor'? Oh my, it was quite disconcerting. Here it is:
My surgeon husband of 12 years just made himself a "free agent" when he cheated on me and our three kids with a gal 12 years his junior. 1.5 years later they are still "dating", divorce has been painfully drug out and our kids are suffering. For a man who couldn't be counted on to pick up the kids from school once a week on his 1\2 day of work, he sure has found a ton of time to take multiple vacations with his new gal. Great payback for my support during residency and multiple moves. My point...it has been very very hard on me and our kids for him to attain the skills he has now. They think highly enough of themselves, don't add to their ego. They are not God. Love and support them just as you would if your husband was a carpenter. Do not put up with bad behavior at any stage of a relationship. He gets worshipped every day at work. Please don't add to that grandious ego. And, for anyone "dating" a married doctor. Take a breath, stop and think, is it worth destroying so many lives so you can step in and take the rewards after someone else does the hard work? Its not only adultry..it is theft.
So, the author packs a lot in that little comment, but makes a few really good points. The one I want to focus on is how upset she seems in the comment. It made me think, how would I react if my husband left me after the 12 years of sacrifice our family has experienced during his training. What if he ran after some young, naive, beautiful girl and spent all of his money, energy, and (newly acquired but absent previously) spare time on... her.
Maybe I am just too tired... but I honestly don't think I would be upset about these years. I mean, looking beyond the fact that I would feel very betrayed and extremely sad - but focusing on whether I would regret the 11 years that I feel I have given to my husband's training, and to him. I think this is because these years really have been good years.
I really have been happy.
Another doctor's wife told me that once, that I would look back at these years and think, 'those were the best years!' She even went as far as saying that they were 'the best years of her and her husband's life'. ('What?!' I thought at the time? 'How could she be old enough to have forgotten... all of this?!' - and we hadn't even touched a tip of the iceberg during that conversation which occurred almost 10 years ago.) But, these years of being poor, sacrificing for each other and for others around us, and living a simple life, really are enjoyable years. Plus, the baby, toddler, and youth ages are so precious - that might have something to do with my fond memories of these years...
Regardless of what has contributed to the goodness during these extremely busy, sometimes painful, challenging, gruesome years, I think it has been worth it, regardless of the possibility that it may not turn out like I envision it will (or should).
I think this attitude is extremely healthy, but my husband hasn't left me... and things could change my attitude quickly, I realize. But, I truly and deeply hope that I will never be put to that test... My heart goes out to you, Anonymous.
My surgeon husband of 12 years just made himself a "free agent" when he cheated on me and our three kids with a gal 12 years his junior. 1.5 years later they are still "dating", divorce has been painfully drug out and our kids are suffering. For a man who couldn't be counted on to pick up the kids from school once a week on his 1\2 day of work, he sure has found a ton of time to take multiple vacations with his new gal. Great payback for my support during residency and multiple moves. My point...it has been very very hard on me and our kids for him to attain the skills he has now. They think highly enough of themselves, don't add to their ego. They are not God. Love and support them just as you would if your husband was a carpenter. Do not put up with bad behavior at any stage of a relationship. He gets worshipped every day at work. Please don't add to that grandious ego. And, for anyone "dating" a married doctor. Take a breath, stop and think, is it worth destroying so many lives so you can step in and take the rewards after someone else does the hard work? Its not only adultry..it is theft.
So, the author packs a lot in that little comment, but makes a few really good points. The one I want to focus on is how upset she seems in the comment. It made me think, how would I react if my husband left me after the 12 years of sacrifice our family has experienced during his training. What if he ran after some young, naive, beautiful girl and spent all of his money, energy, and (newly acquired but absent previously) spare time on... her.
Maybe I am just too tired... but I honestly don't think I would be upset about these years. I mean, looking beyond the fact that I would feel very betrayed and extremely sad - but focusing on whether I would regret the 11 years that I feel I have given to my husband's training, and to him. I think this is because these years really have been good years.
I really have been happy.
Another doctor's wife told me that once, that I would look back at these years and think, 'those were the best years!' She even went as far as saying that they were 'the best years of her and her husband's life'. ('What?!' I thought at the time? 'How could she be old enough to have forgotten... all of this?!' - and we hadn't even touched a tip of the iceberg during that conversation which occurred almost 10 years ago.) But, these years of being poor, sacrificing for each other and for others around us, and living a simple life, really are enjoyable years. Plus, the baby, toddler, and youth ages are so precious - that might have something to do with my fond memories of these years...
Regardless of what has contributed to the goodness during these extremely busy, sometimes painful, challenging, gruesome years, I think it has been worth it, regardless of the possibility that it may not turn out like I envision it will (or should).
I think this attitude is extremely healthy, but my husband hasn't left me... and things could change my attitude quickly, I realize. But, I truly and deeply hope that I will never be put to that test... My heart goes out to you, Anonymous.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
the waiting place
I LOVE this quote. It captures exactly how I picture myself sometimes during residency.
"The Lord’s way is not to sit at the side of the stream and wait for the water to pass before we cross. It is to come together, roll up our sleeves, go to work, and build a bridge or a boat to cross the waters of our challenges." Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "Providing in the Lord's Way", Liahona and Ensign, November 2011.
This was in an email I received today from: http://www.lds.org/study/messages?lang=eng
It reminds me of "the waiting place" in "Oh the Places You'll Go!" by Dr. Seuss. Every time I read that to my kids, I evaluate whether I am merely "waiting" for residency to be over... or whether I am actively working towards some thing, or a few things as it feels like most of the time. I think this is Key to surviving these years well - not only for my own happiness, but for my husband's and my children's happiness as well.
"The Lord’s way is not to sit at the side of the stream and wait for the water to pass before we cross. It is to come together, roll up our sleeves, go to work, and build a bridge or a boat to cross the waters of our challenges." Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "Providing in the Lord's Way", Liahona and Ensign, November 2011.
This was in an email I received today from: http://www.lds.org/study/messages?lang=eng
It reminds me of "the waiting place" in "Oh the Places You'll Go!" by Dr. Seuss. Every time I read that to my kids, I evaluate whether I am merely "waiting" for residency to be over... or whether I am actively working towards some thing, or a few things as it feels like most of the time. I think this is Key to surviving these years well - not only for my own happiness, but for my husband's and my children's happiness as well.
Monday, January 9, 2012
am I just "waiting" for residency to be over?
Often I have to step back and evaluate whether I am "waiting until [we are] established to begin enjoying [our] life together." (From The Medical Marriage - Sustaining Healthy Relationships for Physicians and Their Families - a lovely little book.) Generally I am a very positive person, definitely a "the-glass-is-half-full" type of person. But, every once in a while, I feel a huge pressure mounting inside and I feel as if I might burst. I thing I start "waiting." When this happens, I have developed a habit of stepping back in order to evaluate the tiny details of my life, my thoughts, the way I treat others, how much I stretch myself to form lasting relationships, my gratitude, my priorities, what I am filling my time with - particularly my spare time, etc.
I do not want to ever be found in "the waiting place." (From Oh, the Places You'll Go!")
Months ago, I read a little commentary: As for Years. The article in based upon a scripture:
"I consecrate unto them this land for a little season, until I, the Lord, shall provide for them otherwise, and command them to go hence; And the hour and the day is not given unto them, wherefore, let them act upon this land as for years, and this shall turn unto them for their good." (D&C 51:16-17)
A study presented in The Medical Marriage showed that "parenting stress involving spouses of male residents and house staff found that 75 percent of staff spouses expected parenting stress to decrease after residency, but 50 percent reported that stress actually increased when their mates ended residency. Only 25 percent stated that the level of stress had remained about the same."
How tragic if I place my hope on assuming that my husband will "be around more later" - that I even allow that thought to enter my mind - rather than just enjoy the times when he is around, and the times when he is not. I agree that "...we are to live in the present." I think that "...the Lord seems to want his people to be prepared... to live in the moment and for eternity..." because the lessons we learn during each experience, big or small, are indispensable and if we rush through it, or hold our heads too high to even notice the moments of the present as we "wait for later," we will miss - a lot.
The phrase "as for years"..."invites us to seize the day, but with an eye toward the future. We are not merely to mark time in this life but... to improve every shining moment, knowing that eternity is composed of such fleeting moments."
I do not want to ever be found in "the waiting place." (From Oh, the Places You'll Go!")
Months ago, I read a little commentary: As for Years. The article in based upon a scripture:
"I consecrate unto them this land for a little season, until I, the Lord, shall provide for them otherwise, and command them to go hence; And the hour and the day is not given unto them, wherefore, let them act upon this land as for years, and this shall turn unto them for their good." (D&C 51:16-17)
A study presented in The Medical Marriage showed that "parenting stress involving spouses of male residents and house staff found that 75 percent of staff spouses expected parenting stress to decrease after residency, but 50 percent reported that stress actually increased when their mates ended residency. Only 25 percent stated that the level of stress had remained about the same."
How tragic if I place my hope on assuming that my husband will "be around more later" - that I even allow that thought to enter my mind - rather than just enjoy the times when he is around, and the times when he is not. I agree that "...we are to live in the present." I think that "...the Lord seems to want his people to be prepared... to live in the moment and for eternity..." because the lessons we learn during each experience, big or small, are indispensable and if we rush through it, or hold our heads too high to even notice the moments of the present as we "wait for later," we will miss - a lot.
The phrase "as for years"..."invites us to seize the day, but with an eye toward the future. We are not merely to mark time in this life but... to improve every shining moment, knowing that eternity is composed of such fleeting moments."
Thursday, July 7, 2011
spouses in medical training together, but at different speeds
A reader recently asked about information regarding spouses that are physicians and/or medical students, and the difficulty in landing residencies in the same city. Her husband (or boyfriend?) is finishing his first year of medical school and she is currently applying to medical school.
My personal experience, derived from friends and stories from friends, reveals that medical schools and residency programs are very accommodating to couples during medical training. I have also read on school websites the various details surrounding transfers due to a spouse being accepted into a program in another city, etc. If you are unable to find sufficient information on the school's website to calm your nerves, call the admissions secretary, or the medical school dean's secretary - they are usually wonderful, and extremely knowledgeable. Also, I must add the expected assumption that if your scores and grades are high and your evaluations are stellar, it is probably much more likely that a program or school will be willing to accommodate you or your spouse, in the event of a necessary transfer or acceptance into their program (i.e. a higher ranking during the match).
Good luck!
My personal experience, derived from friends and stories from friends, reveals that medical schools and residency programs are very accommodating to couples during medical training. I have also read on school websites the various details surrounding transfers due to a spouse being accepted into a program in another city, etc. If you are unable to find sufficient information on the school's website to calm your nerves, call the admissions secretary, or the medical school dean's secretary - they are usually wonderful, and extremely knowledgeable. Also, I must add the expected assumption that if your scores and grades are high and your evaluations are stellar, it is probably much more likely that a program or school will be willing to accommodate you or your spouse, in the event of a necessary transfer or acceptance into their program (i.e. a higher ranking during the match).
Good luck!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Nervous to be married to a doctor?
An anonymous reader left a comment under the tab: Being Married to a Doctor. She is engaged to a doctor who has two years left of residency. She wrote: "All around me, I am being asked if I am ready to be a doctor's wife, and do I know what is expected of me? Am I sure I can handle the lifestyle? Do I have cause to be scared out of my mind, or should I just take a chill pill?"
My advice to Anonymous is, first, to commit yourself to your husband, and second, to fill your life with things that make you feel validated and happy.
Oh, and also: don't worry about what other people say. I have met an entire spectrum of "types" of physicians' spouses. There are only perceived expectations - there is no "recipe" to follow in order to be "a doctor's wife."
At the end of my mission, my mission president said to me, "When you are married, there will come a time when you will disagree with your husband, and you will not feel love towards him. That is when it will matter more than ever whether you are committed to him. Your level of commitment must be 100%. Of course you will love him most of the time, but that will - sometimes - not be enough." I think this is invaluable advice.
I believe the pressure physicians are under is enough to make most people crack. I know that I could not deal with someone dying under my care, or even risking the possibility of giving the wrong orders and thus increase someone's physical suffering. Everyone changes during their lifetimes. Already, my husband and I are very different people than we were ten years ago when we were married. But, during residency, I believe, physicians change a lot - out of necessity - in order to survive. Your husband will be immersed in his work, which is a good thing. Surround yourself with your own passions. But, stay committed to each other throughout it all, though at times it will feel like you are leading separate lives.
A doctor's wife once told me that during residency I would wonder what happened to my husband - because he would be a completely different person. But, she also assured me that "he would be back." I can't yet confirm the truthfulness of her statement, but it daily provides me with a ray of hope.
And, just a little side note, if you (Anonymous) are in love with him while he is in the middle of his residency, I'm pretty sure things can only get better!
My advice to Anonymous is, first, to commit yourself to your husband, and second, to fill your life with things that make you feel validated and happy.
Oh, and also: don't worry about what other people say. I have met an entire spectrum of "types" of physicians' spouses. There are only perceived expectations - there is no "recipe" to follow in order to be "a doctor's wife."
At the end of my mission, my mission president said to me, "When you are married, there will come a time when you will disagree with your husband, and you will not feel love towards him. That is when it will matter more than ever whether you are committed to him. Your level of commitment must be 100%. Of course you will love him most of the time, but that will - sometimes - not be enough." I think this is invaluable advice.
I believe the pressure physicians are under is enough to make most people crack. I know that I could not deal with someone dying under my care, or even risking the possibility of giving the wrong orders and thus increase someone's physical suffering. Everyone changes during their lifetimes. Already, my husband and I are very different people than we were ten years ago when we were married. But, during residency, I believe, physicians change a lot - out of necessity - in order to survive. Your husband will be immersed in his work, which is a good thing. Surround yourself with your own passions. But, stay committed to each other throughout it all, though at times it will feel like you are leading separate lives.
A doctor's wife once told me that during residency I would wonder what happened to my husband - because he would be a completely different person. But, she also assured me that "he would be back." I can't yet confirm the truthfulness of her statement, but it daily provides me with a ray of hope.
And, just a little side note, if you (Anonymous) are in love with him while he is in the middle of his residency, I'm pretty sure things can only get better!
Monday, April 11, 2011
another session of hashing it out
It seems that our lives are becoming more frequently peppered with exciting, intense arguments. Sometimes, I feel like we don't even recognize each other, or who we have become during the past year.
All the things people warned me about the years of residency are coming true.
We are getting very good at ignoring things that are bothering us, stuffing them into a corner of our minds, and then bringing them all out at once - once there is too much to ignore.
We've always had, I think, very good communication in our marriage relationship. But, during the past year, the healthy habits we developed as a couple as we improved our ability to communicate with sensitivity and love - during nine years of marriage - seems now like a faded dream rather than a recent reality.
Every comment my husband has made to me during the past few weeks was somehow, immediately turned into a personal attack. We both seemed easily irritated and frustrated around each other, full of negative comments and dreariness.
Yesterday, finally, we hashed out things that have been weighing on our minds, heavily it turned out for both of us, for quite some time.
At one point, my husband asked, "Where is this conversation going?"
I said, "Probably nowhere... but we need to do this. Isn't it nice to get this all out, and finally talk?"
"No!" he exclaimed, "I'm a guy! We don't need to talk."
The discussion, ramped up with accusations and hurtful comments, (like, "...we have four kids, so we have to stay together..." - how helpful was that one?)
On the way home from church, I told him I wanted to make his favorite dessert and asked him what he would like. (And you all know how I feel about cooking.)
He answered, "A hug and a kiss from my wife."
He looked at me, smiled, and said, "How about we go to that marriage class this Friday night at the church?" To say that my husband has always had a strong aversion to marriage classes or marriage "help" is an understatement.
We both knew from these comments - immediately - that we were both intensely sorry, and willing to do all we could to work things out. The kids had all exited our minivan. We stayed, the garage door closed, talking, with an occasional visitor to check on us.
We discussed the need for a new perspective, along with a determination to prioritize our marriage and how we treat each other. We discussed our commitment to each other. We both have three things to work on, to remember - things that we know will help the other feel more loved and respected. It was a conversation much needed.
And, I'm sure you are wondering where our four children were during all of these discussions? They were destroying the house, yes, with cheerios, books, pretzels, legos, art creations, and toys. But, it was so worth it.
Honestly, I do believe that we choose to be happy. We choose our perspectives and our reactions to things. However, during residency, I've decided, that communication is just as important as forgiveness, love, sacrifice, and perspective. It is possibly one of the most important, because without it we will grow our separate ways and misunderstand so much of what we do for each other, and that just won't do.
All the things people warned me about the years of residency are coming true.
We are getting very good at ignoring things that are bothering us, stuffing them into a corner of our minds, and then bringing them all out at once - once there is too much to ignore.
We've always had, I think, very good communication in our marriage relationship. But, during the past year, the healthy habits we developed as a couple as we improved our ability to communicate with sensitivity and love - during nine years of marriage - seems now like a faded dream rather than a recent reality.
Every comment my husband has made to me during the past few weeks was somehow, immediately turned into a personal attack. We both seemed easily irritated and frustrated around each other, full of negative comments and dreariness.
Yesterday, finally, we hashed out things that have been weighing on our minds, heavily it turned out for both of us, for quite some time.
At one point, my husband asked, "Where is this conversation going?"
I said, "Probably nowhere... but we need to do this. Isn't it nice to get this all out, and finally talk?"
"No!" he exclaimed, "I'm a guy! We don't need to talk."
The discussion, ramped up with accusations and hurtful comments, (like, "...we have four kids, so we have to stay together..." - how helpful was that one?)
On the way home from church, I told him I wanted to make his favorite dessert and asked him what he would like. (And you all know how I feel about cooking.)
He answered, "A hug and a kiss from my wife."
He looked at me, smiled, and said, "How about we go to that marriage class this Friday night at the church?" To say that my husband has always had a strong aversion to marriage classes or marriage "help" is an understatement.
We both knew from these comments - immediately - that we were both intensely sorry, and willing to do all we could to work things out. The kids had all exited our minivan. We stayed, the garage door closed, talking, with an occasional visitor to check on us.
We discussed the need for a new perspective, along with a determination to prioritize our marriage and how we treat each other. We discussed our commitment to each other. We both have three things to work on, to remember - things that we know will help the other feel more loved and respected. It was a conversation much needed.
And, I'm sure you are wondering where our four children were during all of these discussions? They were destroying the house, yes, with cheerios, books, pretzels, legos, art creations, and toys. But, it was so worth it.
Honestly, I do believe that we choose to be happy. We choose our perspectives and our reactions to things. However, during residency, I've decided, that communication is just as important as forgiveness, love, sacrifice, and perspective. It is possibly one of the most important, because without it we will grow our separate ways and misunderstand so much of what we do for each other, and that just won't do.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
a sad farewell
Last Sunday at church, a neighbor introduced me to her son. He finished his ophthalmology residency a little over one year ago. He is married with four children. We talked briefly about residency life. I asked him how life had changed since finishing his training. He paused only briefly and said, "Life is a lot more convenient now." I must have looked confused because then he said, "Like, we can go to Costco." I chuckled and nodded, indicating that I knew what he was talking about. But, I was waiting for more; I had no idea what he had meant.
That was it. He offered nothing more.
As I've thought - over and over again - about that conversation, and being determined lately with renewed focus and energy to change my spending habits, I have recognized that we have been living rather lavishly, (apparently, according to my neighbor's son). In other words, I go to Costco at least once a month, usually more.
But, really, I thought everyone went to Costco - no matter what. It has always seemed so necessary, like sleeping, really.
So, an experiment (possibly an extremely short one): leave Costco alone. Try to survive without my usual Costco trips where I grab everything I possibly can because everything is such a great deal and in such large quantities that I fantasize about not needing to shop again for an extended period of time (this is desirable for me since I detest shopping, but it is a delusion - I don't know how Costco accomplishes it).
We'll see how it works out. Maybe it will last longer than my goal to go to sleep every night before 10:00 p.m. - seeing as it is currently 12:06 a.m. I fell asleep earlier tonight while putting my 18-month old down at 8:30 p.m. so I had a nice nap squished on a toddler bed beside him and woke up at 11:00 p.m. with energy to e-mail, read, and blog.
Ultimately, I am really good at giving excuses. Hopefully this experiment will help me curb my spending a bit though.
That was it. He offered nothing more.
As I've thought - over and over again - about that conversation, and being determined lately with renewed focus and energy to change my spending habits, I have recognized that we have been living rather lavishly, (apparently, according to my neighbor's son). In other words, I go to Costco at least once a month, usually more.
But, really, I thought everyone went to Costco - no matter what. It has always seemed so necessary, like sleeping, really.
So, an experiment (possibly an extremely short one): leave Costco alone. Try to survive without my usual Costco trips where I grab everything I possibly can because everything is such a great deal and in such large quantities that I fantasize about not needing to shop again for an extended period of time (this is desirable for me since I detest shopping, but it is a delusion - I don't know how Costco accomplishes it).
We'll see how it works out. Maybe it will last longer than my goal to go to sleep every night before 10:00 p.m. - seeing as it is currently 12:06 a.m. I fell asleep earlier tonight while putting my 18-month old down at 8:30 p.m. so I had a nice nap squished on a toddler bed beside him and woke up at 11:00 p.m. with energy to e-mail, read, and blog.
Ultimately, I am really good at giving excuses. Hopefully this experiment will help me curb my spending a bit though.
Monday, March 7, 2011
the happy doctor
A friend last year asked me if my husband "liked being a doctor." My husband had just started his intern year of residency, his official beginnings of "healing people" rather than studying thick textbooks 14-hours a day and/or observing various medical specialties while practicing taking histories and performing physicals.
I answered immediately, "Well, yes! He is a doctor." My friend looked surprised by my answer, and to tell you the truth, I was also quite surprised by my rushed response. Well, more particularly I was caught by the accompanying intonation that alluded to her ignorance of an obvious truth.
I still don't know why it came out like that. But, I think deep inside, I truly believed at the time that all possible downfalls were completely overshadowed by the huge, glorious, and obvious advantages of being a doctor. To me, it really did seem like it would be all peaches and roses to actually be a doctor.
I mean, giving orders all day, and actually having someone follow them? Oh, how so so nice that would be.
Even now I think I would probably respond to that question in the exact same way. I think my husband is rather lucky to be a doctor. I know that he absolutely loves what he is doing. And, honestly, I do think it would be a rather rewarding career, despite the price to get there.
I answered immediately, "Well, yes! He is a doctor." My friend looked surprised by my answer, and to tell you the truth, I was also quite surprised by my rushed response. Well, more particularly I was caught by the accompanying intonation that alluded to her ignorance of an obvious truth.
I still don't know why it came out like that. But, I think deep inside, I truly believed at the time that all possible downfalls were completely overshadowed by the huge, glorious, and obvious advantages of being a doctor. To me, it really did seem like it would be all peaches and roses to actually be a doctor.
I mean, giving orders all day, and actually having someone follow them? Oh, how so so nice that would be.
Even now I think I would probably respond to that question in the exact same way. I think my husband is rather lucky to be a doctor. I know that he absolutely loves what he is doing. And, honestly, I do think it would be a rather rewarding career, despite the price to get there.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Choosing a Medical Specialty
This is a link for an aptitude test that medical students can do to see which residency, or specialty, their personalities are most inclined to:
http://www.med-ed.virginia.edu/specialties/
I found this link posted on a few other doctor-spouse websites last week (and the various results of their spouses tests). I remember my husband doing one during his third year of medical school when he was determining which specialty to chose. In the end, he did end up choosing a specialty that had been in the top five recommended specialties to fit his personality well.
It is interesting to see the results of the test, but so many other factors come into play when choosing a specialty. Medical school is wonderful at exposing students to a multiple of specialties and associated experiences, but sometimes personalities of attending physicians or other residents overshadow the actual experience.
Something like this aptitude test initiates the process of choosing a specialty more than anything. Hopefully, it allows for a personal, objective view of what medical specialty someone will be good at and enjoy. Good luck to all those out there trying to decide what to specialize in right now. It was not an easy decision for my husband.
http://www.med-ed.virginia.edu/specialties/
I found this link posted on a few other doctor-spouse websites last week (and the various results of their spouses tests). I remember my husband doing one during his third year of medical school when he was determining which specialty to chose. In the end, he did end up choosing a specialty that had been in the top five recommended specialties to fit his personality well.
It is interesting to see the results of the test, but so many other factors come into play when choosing a specialty. Medical school is wonderful at exposing students to a multiple of specialties and associated experiences, but sometimes personalities of attending physicians or other residents overshadow the actual experience.
Something like this aptitude test initiates the process of choosing a specialty more than anything. Hopefully, it allows for a personal, objective view of what medical specialty someone will be good at and enjoy. Good luck to all those out there trying to decide what to specialize in right now. It was not an easy decision for my husband.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Stress at Home with the Doctor
Recently, someone found my blog by googling: "husband is a doctor he stresses me out at home."
I love it.
Here are some reasons I thought of for why a medical resident sometimes "stresses me out at home":
1. His work schedule is completely nonsensical and erratic.
2. He is continuously exhausted because of the lack of normality in his sleep patterns due to his work schedule.
3. He is at the mercy of his attendings, chief residents, other residents and hospital staff, and whether they are having a "good day" or are just notoriously "grumpy people."
4. His long shifts (ranging between 12 and 15 hours) are filled entirely with high stress situations.
5. He is evaluated continuously, sometimes daily, so he does not have even one moment to relax.
6. He must constantly have intense mental awareness and recall.
7. His permanently fixed stress throughout the day is based on the fact that others' lives depend on him.
8. Upon arriving home, he has to study the status of his patients for the following day, call his attending physician to discuss his plan of care for each patient, and put in 1-2 hours of additional studying of anesthesia in general.
9. And, sometimes he brings his stress home.
Daily, I have to remind myself that these are the circumstances my husband is in every single day, and sometimes I have to remind him that he is home now, and that maybe he can relax - just a little bit. This reminder seems futile at best, because this is an example of what it is usually like when he gets home:
1. Someone has soccer practice right away and needs help finding his shin guards and a water bottle.
2. Wife has been at soccer practice and piano lessons all afternoon and has not had time to make dinner.
3. A baby is crying and wants to be held.
4. A 3-year old wants someone to watch him ride his bike around in circles on the driveway.
5. A 5-year old wants help practicing the piano.
6. An 8-year old needs help with his math homework and is exhausted from soccer practice.
7. A child wants someone to jump on the trampoline or play soccer with him or her.
8. In general, there are four kids running around like crazed monkeys, some are whining, some are fighting, and mostly they are asking for some attention.
Sometimes I wish I could calm everyone down, including my husband, but most often that does not happen until after everyone is in bed. And I wonder why I can't get more sleep? The quiet and calm is too wonderful to not enjoy, fully awake. I know sleep should not be expendable, but it is more expendable than I am.
Unfortunately, sleep is not expendable for my husband. He can't stay up late and experience the calm. He has to live amidst the stress at work and then the stress at home. So, when my doctor husband stresses me out at home, I try to laugh it off and remind myself of the stress he endures all of the time, and maybe just give him a little break.
I love it.
Here are some reasons I thought of for why a medical resident sometimes "stresses me out at home":
1. His work schedule is completely nonsensical and erratic.
2. He is continuously exhausted because of the lack of normality in his sleep patterns due to his work schedule.
3. He is at the mercy of his attendings, chief residents, other residents and hospital staff, and whether they are having a "good day" or are just notoriously "grumpy people."
4. His long shifts (ranging between 12 and 15 hours) are filled entirely with high stress situations.
5. He is evaluated continuously, sometimes daily, so he does not have even one moment to relax.
6. He must constantly have intense mental awareness and recall.
7. His permanently fixed stress throughout the day is based on the fact that others' lives depend on him.
8. Upon arriving home, he has to study the status of his patients for the following day, call his attending physician to discuss his plan of care for each patient, and put in 1-2 hours of additional studying of anesthesia in general.
9. And, sometimes he brings his stress home.
Daily, I have to remind myself that these are the circumstances my husband is in every single day, and sometimes I have to remind him that he is home now, and that maybe he can relax - just a little bit. This reminder seems futile at best, because this is an example of what it is usually like when he gets home:
1. Someone has soccer practice right away and needs help finding his shin guards and a water bottle.
2. Wife has been at soccer practice and piano lessons all afternoon and has not had time to make dinner.
3. A baby is crying and wants to be held.
4. A 3-year old wants someone to watch him ride his bike around in circles on the driveway.
5. A 5-year old wants help practicing the piano.
6. An 8-year old needs help with his math homework and is exhausted from soccer practice.
7. A child wants someone to jump on the trampoline or play soccer with him or her.
8. In general, there are four kids running around like crazed monkeys, some are whining, some are fighting, and mostly they are asking for some attention.
Sometimes I wish I could calm everyone down, including my husband, but most often that does not happen until after everyone is in bed. And I wonder why I can't get more sleep? The quiet and calm is too wonderful to not enjoy, fully awake. I know sleep should not be expendable, but it is more expendable than I am.
Unfortunately, sleep is not expendable for my husband. He can't stay up late and experience the calm. He has to live amidst the stress at work and then the stress at home. So, when my doctor husband stresses me out at home, I try to laugh it off and remind myself of the stress he endures all of the time, and maybe just give him a little break.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Anesthesiology Residents Going Solo
The month of July has passed. This is the month that no resident physicians in the anesthesia program are allowed vacation time, because it is when all of the new residents are trained with close monitoring of an attending physician.
(Don't ever go in for surgery in July or August, wait until at least September...? Give them a little time to practice.)
The month of July was rocky. My husband said the learning curve was astronomical (and still is).
One day I asked him, "Did you learn or see anything neat today?" The look he gave me was comical. "Ya," he said, "Every day we see a ton of amazing stuff." He seemed surprised but also frustrated that he couldn't really explain to me how neat every minute of every day is, and how much he is learning. He seemed to mean it too, although he didn't smile when he said this. I think the stress was still too thick for any possible visible signs of enjoyment.
In general, the month of July went well. He has at least stopped talking about law school or business school, and is considering the possibility of actually completing the entire three years of anesthesia training.
The few days that he has now been working alone as an anesthesiology resident (with an attending "nearby") have also gone well. The only days I worry about him now are when he replies to my inquiry about how his day went with a "Hmph," along with a shoulder shrug. But there have only been one or two of those. Most days, he seems to enjoy what he is doing, but this could actually, and probably is, be derived solely from his hour-long bike commute home each evening.
Phew! Maybe we will get through these next 3 years after all!
(Don't ever go in for surgery in July or August, wait until at least September...? Give them a little time to practice.)
The month of July was rocky. My husband said the learning curve was astronomical (and still is).
One day I asked him, "Did you learn or see anything neat today?" The look he gave me was comical. "Ya," he said, "Every day we see a ton of amazing stuff." He seemed surprised but also frustrated that he couldn't really explain to me how neat every minute of every day is, and how much he is learning. He seemed to mean it too, although he didn't smile when he said this. I think the stress was still too thick for any possible visible signs of enjoyment.
In general, the month of July went well. He has at least stopped talking about law school or business school, and is considering the possibility of actually completing the entire three years of anesthesia training.
The few days that he has now been working alone as an anesthesiology resident (with an attending "nearby") have also gone well. The only days I worry about him now are when he replies to my inquiry about how his day went with a "Hmph," along with a shoulder shrug. But there have only been one or two of those. Most days, he seems to enjoy what he is doing, but this could actually, and probably is, be derived solely from his hour-long bike commute home each evening.
Phew! Maybe we will get through these next 3 years after all!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
A Meaningful and Memorable Experience Last Year
On my husband's first day of his second year of residency last week, the department chair had a social at her home for the group. After mingling a bit, she requested that everyone stand up and introduce themselves, including spouses and friends, and share the most meaningful and memorable experience they had during their intern year. Since my husband had made known during that day that we have four children (the entire room let out a unanimous gasp when it was announced), I was determined to think of something to share. So, although I was the LAST one to introduce myself and share an experience, and thus had a lot of time to think about it, what actually came out of my mouth was something totally incoherent. BUT, this is what I meant to say:
The most meaningful memory for me of my husband's intern year was after a night of call, when, for the first time, a patient died under his care. He seemed heavy with grief and described to me all that had happened: how he had been unable to sleep afterward, even though there were hours that he could have, but instead laid awake in his hospital bed replaying in his head every minute detail of all that had happened, over and over again. I was surprised by my inability to respond to his thoughtful expressions of grief and help him deal with this event in his life. I felt helpless in trying to understand what he was going through.
A few days later, we ran into a friend of my husband who was also an intern. This friend is always smiling, and a super goofy, happy and funny guy. My husband told his friend that he had lost his first patient under his watch. His friend's smile disappeared immediately and in the most serious voice I ever heard him use, he said, "Are you okay?"
At that moment, I felt a world apart from my husband. While my husband was in medical school, I studied for my masters in public health. I felt we were experiencing a lot of similar experiences (minus the cadaver - yikes) and critical thinking. But, at that moment, I saw clearly how separate our fields of study were. I was so grateful that my husband could find sympathy with another intern, who seemed to understand completely all of the feelings he had experienced that night.
I also realized during that moment how unique of a profession medicine really is. People talk about how doctors are in school for so many years, or how they make a lot of money and don't know how to save any of it; but often missed are the very personal, very powerful moments they constantly experience that deal directly with life and death. I just cannot even begin to imagine what that would be like. every day.
The most meaningful memory for me of my husband's intern year was after a night of call, when, for the first time, a patient died under his care. He seemed heavy with grief and described to me all that had happened: how he had been unable to sleep afterward, even though there were hours that he could have, but instead laid awake in his hospital bed replaying in his head every minute detail of all that had happened, over and over again. I was surprised by my inability to respond to his thoughtful expressions of grief and help him deal with this event in his life. I felt helpless in trying to understand what he was going through.
A few days later, we ran into a friend of my husband who was also an intern. This friend is always smiling, and a super goofy, happy and funny guy. My husband told his friend that he had lost his first patient under his watch. His friend's smile disappeared immediately and in the most serious voice I ever heard him use, he said, "Are you okay?"
At that moment, I felt a world apart from my husband. While my husband was in medical school, I studied for my masters in public health. I felt we were experiencing a lot of similar experiences (minus the cadaver - yikes) and critical thinking. But, at that moment, I saw clearly how separate our fields of study were. I was so grateful that my husband could find sympathy with another intern, who seemed to understand completely all of the feelings he had experienced that night.
I also realized during that moment how unique of a profession medicine really is. People talk about how doctors are in school for so many years, or how they make a lot of money and don't know how to save any of it; but often missed are the very personal, very powerful moments they constantly experience that deal directly with life and death. I just cannot even begin to imagine what that would be like. every day.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Tasting It
While my husband was doing his undergrad and pre-med course work, I met a doctor's wife who gave me lots of advice about surviving medical school and residency. After we talked for a while, she said, "... and, don't worry, your husband will come back after residency." I looked at her puzzled. She explained, "It will feel like you are married to a completely different person during his years of residency, but the person you married and love will come back after he finishes his residency."
Hm.
At the time, I thought little of it. But now, I think I may be tasting a bit of what she described. (It reminds me of childbirth - everyone can tell you how painful or horrible, or even how wonderful it is, but until you actually experience it yourself, you really have absolutely no idea.
I had no idea how hard residency would be.
And we are only 5 days into it.
Hopefully that means we will eventually get used to it, find a groove, and press forward... happily... with smiles and kisses... and lots of laughs.
I really didn't think this blog would be so much fun for me, and so healing. I'm not sure how many people read it, but appreciate the sparse comments when they appear. It's interesting how clarifying it is to think through experiences and thoughts and then write them down. So, thanks for reading them and sometimes giving me advice via comments; I enjoy them, and really do love to get advice.
Hm.
At the time, I thought little of it. But now, I think I may be tasting a bit of what she described. (It reminds me of childbirth - everyone can tell you how painful or horrible, or even how wonderful it is, but until you actually experience it yourself, you really have absolutely no idea.
I had no idea how hard residency would be.
And we are only 5 days into it.
Hopefully that means we will eventually get used to it, find a groove, and press forward... happily... with smiles and kisses... and lots of laughs.
I really didn't think this blog would be so much fun for me, and so healing. I'm not sure how many people read it, but appreciate the sparse comments when they appear. It's interesting how clarifying it is to think through experiences and thoughts and then write them down. So, thanks for reading them and sometimes giving me advice via comments; I enjoy them, and really do love to get advice.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
"Momnesia"
I really enjoyed reading this article, Babies can cause "momnesia" (from USA Today, 2008). I especially like the part that says:
"But women don't get dumber after childbirth. Instead, like sleep-deprived medical residents who learn on the job, their brains are getting a workout. "You are learning a lot," she says. "Once your mommy brain gets readjusted, you get more efficient, and you become smarter and learn things faster, but it won't happen all at once."
So, if that is true, it explains a lot.
And makes me feel a lot better.
Jared said I looked like a tired-out-mommy in this picture.
"But women don't get dumber after childbirth. Instead, like sleep-deprived medical residents who learn on the job, their brains are getting a workout. "You are learning a lot," she says. "Once your mommy brain gets readjusted, you get more efficient, and you become smarter and learn things faster, but it won't happen all at once."
So, if that is true, it explains a lot.
And makes me feel a lot better.
Jared said I looked like a tired-out-mommy in this picture.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Married to a Doctor
During my husband's medical school years, I was active (some years more than others) in the medical school spouses' association. Through this association, I came to know many residents' and physicians' spouses, along with medical school students' spouses. Regardless of where we were in our husbands' training and/or careers, our friendships were forged immediately.
Sometimes a wife would say, "I met my husband while he was a resident and we were married after he finished, so I missed all of those hard years of medical school, internship, and residency... I cheated!" Each time I heard a doctor's wife say this, I totally agreed that she had "cheated" by missing the years of medical training. But, now that I have experienced residency, or life after medical school, I am beginning to disagree with that comment.
I now think that any time someone marries a physician, they instantly enter a somewhat unusual life experience. The most noticeable difference is the set of expectations that seems to come with being "a doctor's wife" or "a doctor's family." Another difference is the number of sacrifices that a physician and the family make to the demanding career of medicine. Also, somewhat less pronounced, is the challenge of a spouse and/or children to be able to understand, accept, and support the physician's demanding career.
I remember very clearly the first night that one of my husband's patients died. He came home the next morning with a very heavy heart. For the first time ever, I just listened to him talk, (usually I just have to give advice, but, fortunately, I had no idea what to say). He couldn't sleep. His sadness in dealing with this experience was difficult for me to witness and even more difficult for me to try to understand and offer the support he needed.
So, one of the less pronounced challenges of a physician spouse is learning how to support the doctor and his/her intense, meaningful, sad, stressful, frustrating, humbling, etc., experiences, which is unusual, no matter when one happens to marry the doctor.
Sometimes a wife would say, "I met my husband while he was a resident and we were married after he finished, so I missed all of those hard years of medical school, internship, and residency... I cheated!" Each time I heard a doctor's wife say this, I totally agreed that she had "cheated" by missing the years of medical training. But, now that I have experienced residency, or life after medical school, I am beginning to disagree with that comment.
I now think that any time someone marries a physician, they instantly enter a somewhat unusual life experience. The most noticeable difference is the set of expectations that seems to come with being "a doctor's wife" or "a doctor's family." Another difference is the number of sacrifices that a physician and the family make to the demanding career of medicine. Also, somewhat less pronounced, is the challenge of a spouse and/or children to be able to understand, accept, and support the physician's demanding career.
I remember very clearly the first night that one of my husband's patients died. He came home the next morning with a very heavy heart. For the first time ever, I just listened to him talk, (usually I just have to give advice, but, fortunately, I had no idea what to say). He couldn't sleep. His sadness in dealing with this experience was difficult for me to witness and even more difficult for me to try to understand and offer the support he needed.
So, one of the less pronounced challenges of a physician spouse is learning how to support the doctor and his/her intense, meaningful, sad, stressful, frustrating, humbling, etc., experiences, which is unusual, no matter when one happens to marry the doctor.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
When You Know the Doctor Needs a Nap
My husband is in the middle of an intense rotation right now. This is a brief interaction we had after a 30-hour call night yesterday.
Me: "Did you get any sleep last night?
Husband: "I laid down and got 30 minutes of very interrupted sleep."
Me: "Oh, I'm so sorry."
Husband: "It was definitely not my favorite night so far. I got seven new patients and three of them were extremely challenging cases. (Pause.) You look funny."
(I was wearing a knee-length, white, poofy/fun skirt, a tan v-neck tee, and a North Face black sleeveless jacket.)
Me (laughing lightly): "Okay." (We have very different taste but I probably did look a little weird.) "Can I make you something for lunch?"
Husband: "Okay, just something fast."
I started making a peanut butter and jam sandwich.
Husband (leaning over my shoulder watching): "It's taking too long - it doesn't have to be perfect."
Me: "Maybe instead you could just say, 'Thanks, Liz, for making me a sandwich.'"
He didn't.
Husband (as I handed him the sandwich): "You really do look funny."
Me (laughing lightly, again): "Okay."
Husband: "Would you like me to come to the baseball game with you guys?"
Me (pretending to be focused on something else): "Mmmm."
I secretly hoped he would immediately pass out on the couch.
He went upstairs, and did not come back down. I breathed a sigh of relief. He is a super nice husband, really, and I love, love, love to talk with and be with him. But, call nights during residency really do not bring out his best qualities. However, as long as I remember The Reason for his grumpiness, all is well, (it is still hard though - especially to laugh at and ignore his unnecessary and provocative comments).
Some new friends of ours told me last night that they had attempted to get into medical school last year but had not been accepted. We talked for a while and then I suggested that they ask my husband for advice. Quickly, I took it back; I told them to wait until the middle of next month to ask him about his experience thus far. I don't know if he could, or would, encourage anyone to go into medicine from his vantage point right now.
Me: "Did you get any sleep last night?
Husband: "I laid down and got 30 minutes of very interrupted sleep."
Me: "Oh, I'm so sorry."
Husband: "It was definitely not my favorite night so far. I got seven new patients and three of them were extremely challenging cases. (Pause.) You look funny."
(I was wearing a knee-length, white, poofy/fun skirt, a tan v-neck tee, and a North Face black sleeveless jacket.)
Me (laughing lightly): "Okay." (We have very different taste but I probably did look a little weird.) "Can I make you something for lunch?"
Husband: "Okay, just something fast."
I started making a peanut butter and jam sandwich.
Husband (leaning over my shoulder watching): "It's taking too long - it doesn't have to be perfect."
Me: "Maybe instead you could just say, 'Thanks, Liz, for making me a sandwich.'"
He didn't.
Husband (as I handed him the sandwich): "You really do look funny."
Me (laughing lightly, again): "Okay."
Husband: "Would you like me to come to the baseball game with you guys?"
Me (pretending to be focused on something else): "Mmmm."
I secretly hoped he would immediately pass out on the couch.
He went upstairs, and did not come back down. I breathed a sigh of relief. He is a super nice husband, really, and I love, love, love to talk with and be with him. But, call nights during residency really do not bring out his best qualities. However, as long as I remember The Reason for his grumpiness, all is well, (it is still hard though - especially to laugh at and ignore his unnecessary and provocative comments).
Some new friends of ours told me last night that they had attempted to get into medical school last year but had not been accepted. We talked for a while and then I suggested that they ask my husband for advice. Quickly, I took it back; I told them to wait until the middle of next month to ask him about his experience thus far. I don't know if he could, or would, encourage anyone to go into medicine from his vantage point right now.
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