stop, breath, and be careful in approaching things... together

I remember when I initially started writing this blog I was determined to show the "true" side of what it is like being married to a doctor, (in reality it's all awesome though, right??)  I wrote one night about how therapeutic it was to take a shower at night after everyone was sleeping, and just cry.  The next day, friends and relatives called to tell me that I needed to be more positive and limit the "sad and depressing" stuff on my blog.  That was four years ago. 

Last night I found myself in the same moment, thinking about that post written long ago, wondering if I would recommend it again, and thinking about whether I had learned anything new since that time long ago when I blogged about it.  My husband and I were at a stand still.  Everyone was asleep.  I was in the shower, weeping.

When my husband and I disagree on a matter, I often withdraw myself and prefer to think before discussing the matter further (matters that we really do not agree on).  My husband gets frustrated when I become quiet.  He sees it as a way of punishing him.  This is not why I do it.  I withdraw in order to think, to process rationally my feelings, thoughts, desires, frustrations, weaknesses, all within my current level of understanding.  The time to myself to analyze the disagreement then becomes an essential process for me, to grow in my ability to love, to forgive not only my husband but myself also, to increase my ability to understand my husband's opinion and reasoning.  Without this process I would merely let out everything verbally - while upset and uncontrolled - and then regret it later.  I am grateful that I can hold in my frustrations while I sort through my feelings.  I wondered if I my weeping in the shower would make me appear weak, like I couldn't stand up to my husband and express my feelings and desires but rather suffered in silence. 

I didn't feel weak.  I felt that I was putting our marriage first, ahead of my own agenda.

Sometimes I direct my frustrations (often due to the limits of our current situation) at my husband.  I do this often.  I wish I could recognize it earlier and stop myself before doing it.  Or at least change my approach in how I deal with the frustrations.  If I could present my thoughts in a way that do not quickly end up with both of us making it difficult talk through things and understand each others' reasoning.

It is easy for me to forget that my husband is a person - just like me - full of weaknesses, pride, dreams, etc. - and that he is developing in his abilities to love, forgive, sacrifice, etc. - just like I am.  I hope that I can do better in remembering this when I am frustrated, and take a moment to breath and analyze things before I present them to my husband, so that we can work through things together and not steer in completely opposite directions... particularly where I end up in the shower.

Because... I know my husband is worth it, and I know our marriage is worth it also.

so many questions about sex...

There have been quite a few questions on my blog about sex - particularly the frequency of it in a medical marriage relationship.  Every relationship and individual are so unique, I wasn't sure (at all!) how to answer any of the questions.  So, when a friend sent me a link to this article, I thought maybe it could be useful to someone else reading on here:  How Often Should Married Couples Have Sex?  

A few interesting points:

* More experts now believe that sex is "a more emotional experience for men than for women".
* A social psychologist: "For some men, sex may be their primary way of communicating and expressing intimacy."
* A licensed marriage and family therapist: "Take sex away and [men] don't have the chemical stimulants that give them a sense of well being."
* A recent study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science: "People are better able to sustain desire when they are motivated to meet their partner's sexual needs, even when these needs conflict with their own preferences.
* Lead author in study: "We think people higher in sexual communal strength are more focused on positive outcomes in their relationship... They are having sex to enhance intimacy and feel closer to their partner rather than to please themselves, and this is what leads them to feel higher desire."

Interesting, huh?  I think in general everything in marriage is similar to that... the more we sacrifice for each others' happiness, the happier we ourselves become.  I think I am very lucky to have a husband who is always willing (and eager, actually) to talk about our relationship.  He is very respectful and open about his emotional and physical needs.  I don't think this is the norm... and especially realized this after reading that article...

and now... life goes on

My husband and I talked.  And talked and talked and talked.  The other night - after I wrote the post below.  I received amazing advice to "stay positive" and "be myself" and decided to call my husband before going to sleep (he was on call).  With the intent to be positive and loving, I approached our argument with a very different perspective than I had earlier in the day - and it helped tremendously.

We were actually able to talk - especially since I stopped attacking and complaining.

But, even with my positive attitude, all of it was painful... but totally worth it.

I feel like I recently have written something similar to this... us discussing our deepest desires, priorities and beliefs... exploring various ways to work around differences and forgive each other for hurtful comments and deciding on ways we can support and love each other in new ways.  Oh the drama of this year!  I cannot believe how much we've been through in seven short months.  It seems like the drama we've experienced this last year of residency is more than double the amount of drama we had during the other ten and a half years of our marriage combined. 

However, after this last argument, I was impressed by how much more deeply I came to know my husband, how much more I felt I had given of myself to him, how much more we came to understand each others' needs and desires, and how our love for each other becomes so much richer and stronger as we forgive and sacrifice for each other. 

I am so grateful for my husband, he talks through things - sometimes much more than I would like to - but we can always work things out.  He persists in ensuring that I know he loves me and will do anything to make me happy.  At one point during our argument my husband said, "I would be willing to quit everything tomorrow if you asked me to."  Isn't that sweet? 

I can't imagine being married to anyone else.   

Any.  One. 

hmmm... not sure what to title this one

Okay, things are not going so well... hence the lack of posts lately.  I guess I have to be pretty happy and "with it" to post something interesting (well, relatively interesting) on here.  I'm sure some people have noticed my posts are becoming fewer and farther in between.  Or maybe no one has noticed...?

My emotions seem to be enjoying the roller coaster they have been on since my husband lost a close friend a month ago.  His world changed drastically, instantly, as did his friendships, personal goals, deepest held beliefs, and priorities.  It has been excruciating to watch from the outside, and sometimes even more painful to peer inside his world and gain a greater sense of what his world is like, his day to day associations, frustrations, coping mechanisms, and consequential experiences.  Sometimes I wish I could just crawl back under my little rock and be ignorant of all that he deals with daily, of how he depends on others besides me for emotional support and happiness, and how much he is changing, growing, learning - without me. 

Or maybe I am just envious of the support system he has created for himself... and wonder why I don't have one similar in my own little sphere?  I have a wonderful support system, but still rely heavily - no, enormously - on my husband for emotional support... and much of my happiness depends on him, and maybe it is just too much.

Whatever I am dealing with here, I feel an urgency to figure out how to snap out of it. I can't accept the general idea that it is impossible to be happy to be married to a physician (unless you are one?? - except for the sparse comments in the "thoughts on being married to a doctor" tab that assure that it is possible... with great effort...?) 

I'll let you know what I discover - hopefully soon - unless someone already has this figured out...

the marriage relationship can offer so much strength

Communication is... everything... in marriage - I've decided recently.

I had a mental breakdown (I can honestly say that now, looking back) after I found out that my husband received the fellowship position starting in July, 2013.  I had not felt depressed before - ever - in my life.  It was a heavy feeling, but it was easy to ignore because my life is so hectic and crazy - almost every minute of every day.  Easy to ignore until things were quiet and calm, until I had time to think.  Gradually though, it completely encircled me, and I completely lost all energy or desire to do things that I used to love.  I felt like I couldn't handle anything.  And I started to assume that my husband felt that way too - not about himself but about me.  I avoided talking with him, thinking that he wouldn't understand and hoping that I would be able to just "get myself out of it".  But the vicious cycle continued.  I kept pushing him away and feeling worse about myself.  I honestly was starting to feel really nervous about how sad I felt inside.  I even made an appointment with my doctor.

Then, one night, my husband wouldn't let it go any longer.  He had taken me to the beach for a brief respite and I had ignored him the entire car trip home.  He said that we had to talk.  We were both upset, frustrated.  He asked me why I was pushing him away, why I was so unhappy whenever he was around, why I wouldn't talk, how he could help me.  I tried my best to explain how I was feeling.  We delved into major marital issues, like whether we would have married each other if we'd known what we know now, how we've changed since he started residency, how we really feel about each other, etc.  After a long exhaustive discussion, late into the night, it surprisingly ended well.  He expressed his love and support.  We talked about various ways I could avoid medication (for depression) and pull myself out of "the slump" I was in.

For weeks I had woken up with a heavy heart, no desire to get out of bed or do anything at all.  But after that night, after feeling my husband's unwavering support and love even despite my inability to function, I woke up feeling strengthened - not totally light and energetic like usual - but like I could make it through the day and that everything would be okay.  I was surprised by the strength I felt from knowing that my husband loved me.  Of course I knew this during the month and a half that I was feeling down, but after attempting to get through this difficult time without involving him, I know now that I cannot ever do that again.  I think it is perfect that we can choose people to spend our lives with and incrementally learn to love, forgive, support, and be kind to each other, even when it is extremely difficult.  Because, I think, if we can build a strong marriage relationship, the strength, the happiness, the goodness that fills our lives... all possibilities are endless... and wonderful.

oh, how to avoid being sappy...

I just finished reading These is my Words, The Diary of Sarah Agnes Prine, by Nancy E. Turner.  I had mixed emotions during my experience with the novel, but ended up with tears and a full heart.  It reminded me in a powerful way how important my relationships with other women are, my mother, my sisters and sister-in-law, my friends, my neighbors.  I appreciated her descriptions of how lonely and sad she felt, how overwhelmed with responsibilities and tedious daily duties, yet how happy and in love she and her husband were during the hectic years of raising young children.  I found myself identifying with the heroine many times, and seeing too many similarities between her husband and mine.  It was sometimes sappy, sometimes predictable, and sometimes tiring to read of death, danger, tragedy, sadness page after page, but I felt rewarded in the end, and fell in love with my husband all over again.

Quite a few comments made lately about being married to a doctor have painted quite a dismal view of what it is like... for some.  I am sure that no matter what one's profession is there are downsides to the marriage; plus, let's face it, being married is not easy - all of the time - as we sometimes may think it should be.  Don't get me wrong, I think being married to a doctor has specific (and huge) challenges, especially during the medical training.  I started this blog because I wanted to create a place for people in similar circumstances to gain strength and perspective, to support each other, and also provide insights to those just beginning the journey.  So, in response to so many depressing views of being married to  doctor, I leave this:  because my husband and I are experiencing so many of the natural, unavoidable and challenging accompanying side effects of residency life, I believe we are able to not only experience but also recognize more acutely and appreciate more fully the happiness we feel together.  So, because couples endure the common challenges in a medical marriage (many of which are outlined in the comments), they are also able to experience the exact opposite: fun, joyful and absolutely wonderful moments - that literally, (not to be too sappy) make it all worth it. 

has it all been worth it - despite the end result?

So, did anyone read one of the latest comments under the tab "thoughts on being married to a doctor'?  Oh my, it was quite disconcerting.  Here it is:

My surgeon husband of 12 years just made himself a "free agent" when he cheated on me and our three kids with a gal 12 years his junior. 1.5 years later they are still "dating", divorce has been painfully drug out and our kids are suffering. For a man who couldn't be counted on to pick up the kids from school once a week on his 1\2 day of work, he sure has found a ton of time to take multiple vacations with his new gal. Great payback for my support during residency and multiple moves. My point...it has been very very hard on me and our kids for him to attain the skills he has now. They think highly enough of themselves, don't add to their ego. They are not God. Love and support them just as you would if your husband was a carpenter. Do not put up with bad behavior at any stage of a relationship. He gets worshipped every day at work. Please don't add to that grandious ego. And, for anyone "dating" a married doctor. Take a breath, stop and think, is it worth destroying so many lives so you can step in and take the rewards after someone else does the hard work? Its not only adultry..it is theft.

So, the author packs a lot in that little comment, but makes a few really good points.  The one I want to focus on is how upset she seems in the comment.  It made me think, how would I react if my husband left me after the 12 years of sacrifice our family has experienced during his training.  What if he ran after some young, naive, beautiful girl and spent all of his money, energy, and (newly acquired but absent previously) spare time on... her.

Maybe I am just too tired... but I honestly don't think I would be upset about these years.  I mean, looking beyond the fact that I would feel very betrayed and extremely sad - but focusing on whether I would regret the 11 years that I feel I have given to my husband's training, and to him.  I think this is because these years really have been good years. 

I really have been happy.

Another doctor's wife told me that once, that I would look back at these years and think, 'those were the best years!'  She even went as far as saying that they were 'the best years of her and her husband's life'.  ('What?!' I thought at the time?  'How could she be old enough to have forgotten... all of this?!' - and we hadn't even touched a tip of the iceberg during that conversation which occurred almost 10 years ago.)  But, these years of being poor, sacrificing for each other and for others around us, and living a simple life, really are enjoyable years.  Plus, the baby, toddler, and youth ages are so precious - that might have something to do with my fond memories of these years...

Regardless of what has contributed to the goodness during these extremely busy, sometimes painful, challenging, gruesome years, I think it has been worth it, regardless of the possibility that it may not turn out like I envision it will (or should).

I think this attitude is extremely healthy, but my husband hasn't left me... and things could change my attitude quickly, I realize.  But, I truly and deeply hope that I will never be put to that test...  My heart goes out to you, Anonymous.

time for a relationship

When my husband started medical school, I remember feeling a bit upset about the number of hours he was gone and/or studying.  I remember often whining (silently) and thinking, "I married him because I liked to be with him."  I could not figure out how any couple could possibly survive the demands of medical school and still emerge with a strong marriage relationship. 

When my husband and I were first married, we did need to spend a lot of time together.  I remember feeling so completely dependent on him, so grateful for his love - and so changed by it, and I literally couldn't wait to see him every day after each period of separation - despite the length.  It seems silly to think of now, but I couldn't stand not to have him at my side. 

When people get married, I don't think we have any clue about how the marriage relationship will change, as well as how necessary it is that it does change.

It is amazing to think of how much more I saw my husband during those years compared to now.  If our current relationship still depended on how much time we spend together, my husband and I would be completely miserable.

Many people have posted about how unsure they are about getting married to a doctor (whether in medical school or residency or practicing) because their careers are so demanding.  It is true that relationships are stronger when people invest in them and spend time together.  However, over time my husband and I have discovered how to meet each others' needs without spending much time at all (forget immense amounts of time) together.  We do try to get away for a weekend once a year.  We do try to go on a date each week (though we sometimes miss once or twice a month).  Often our dates are brief, one-hour long, either spent running five miles together, or sitting next to a cozy fire at a Starbucks talking and slowly sipping salted caramel hot chocolates.  Of course our relationship has changed since we were first married.  Of course our needs have also changed.  Of course sometimes I silently moan about how little he is around.  Of course I am sometimes grateful that he is in fact working all night (especially if I don't feel like cooking dinner...).  But, in general, despite my husband's busy schedule, I think what matters is that we both do our best to invest in our marriage relationship.

A wise person once told me: "There will be times during your marriage that you will not feel an ounce of love toward your husband.  All that will matter in that moment is your level of commitment to him."

I think once a couple makes the choice and then works diligently to stay committed to each other, the couple will be amazed by how the relationship can and will develop, deepen and become one of the most wonderful gifts of life.

an almost perfect relationship made up of moments

My husband and I recently visited Bend, Oregon for our 11th wedding anniversary.  It is quite possibly The Coolest City in the world, we've decided.  But, regardless of where we were, we were there alone.  Our in-laws took care of our children for the three day getaway.  During the trip, we were able to focus on each other, reconnect emotionally, and we were reminded that we are on the same team, after all. Before we left, we were both so focused on ourselves, we didn't have much time for each other let alone energy to express our concern for the well being of one another.

One morning my husband took me mountain biking.  He loves mountain biking, possibly more than any other hobby.  I used to love mountain biking too.  (I went at least two or three times a week during college, whether or not someone could go with me.  I pined to go everyday and would gaze out the windows up at the mountains.  I would ride my bike everywhere, on campus and off, always looking for a staircase to bombard down or a steep grass or dirt hill to fly down.  My goodness, what happened to that girl??)  Following my husband in Bend, I found myself cautiously walking my bike down a steep hill with jutting rocks almost immediately after our bike tires left the pavement.  It was a rewarding ride, exhausting and completely exhilarating.  The scenery was absolutely amazing.

I was reminded that my relationship with my husband is the most valuable relationship that I have or will ever have.  My parents, siblings and friends have all found someone to share their lives with, as will my own children someday.  I love my husband.  I love being married to him.  A few weeks ago my husband told me he told a friend that he sincerely feels like our marriage is still in the honeymoon stage.  (Um, is that possible when you have four children?)  But, I often feel the same way, or at least that we are constantly working towards a "perfect relationship".  And I don't just love the idea of our marriage.  I also love it enough to work for it.  But, sometimes life gets in the way, and I forget to.  I think if I can remember to put my husband's needs above those of my own and if he will do the same for me, hopefully we will continue to have the "almost perfect relationship".  Because I doubt it could ever be absolutely perfect.  It also helped when we take time for each other, like we did in Bend.  Then, the moments come, the ones that feel totally perfect.  Like during our mountain bike ride, when my husband stopped to rest and I pulled up next to him.   He looked at me - and I'm sure I blushed - when he said, "You are my favorite mountain biking partner."

is there anything left for him?

A few days ago my husband blurted out to me, "You have been so difficult to live with lately!"

So, I began to attempt to explain to my husband why this may be so, (because I could not deny it).  After rambling a bit about the depressing book I was reading (Wuthering Heights), and my inability to go to sleep at night until I completely emptied my brain of all 'to-do' items, which often involves brainstorming names of people that I can ask to help me get my kids to various activities, and trying to illustrate to him why I have dug myself into this deep hole of crazy-business, I could tell he just wasn't getting it, so I said the first thing that came to my mind: "Because I am exhausted by the time the kids go to sleep, and then you are there and want to talk and I almost want to cry because I am so tired."

He responded, very nicely, "Wow, I'm sorry.  I always assume that you need and want to talk at night.  I am often exhausted too, so it is all right with me if we don't make time for each other after the kids go down.  Just tell me if you are too tired to talk and just need to go to sleep, and I won't be offended at all."

I was exhausted from even trying to explain to him why I was exhausted.  I let it go, knowing I had blown it and would need to fix what I had said, (because I really love and look forward to talking with my husband).  We were both sitting at the kitchen counter, both eating cereal for dinner, he, having recently returned home from work at 9:15 p.m., and me, recently returned from a preschool co-op meeting and taking the babysitter home while a neighbor sat in our living room because the kids were all asleep in bed.

Since then I have thought more about it.  Essentially, it comes down to this:  Each day, I am not saving anything for my husband.  I have created this hectic, self-destructive schedule for my kids and for myself that is totally draining me of all energy, including my backup adrenalin.  By the time my husband gets home, I am beyond the point of being able to hold a cordial conversation, let alone be patient and respectful if he interrupts my groove in any way.

So, how do I save 10% for the end of the day, or maybe more realistic, 2%? How do you deny your children as they naturally seek to drain all 100% by 4:00 p.m.?  I guess, if I am to be realistic, a lot will settle itself as baseball, gymnastics, and my daughter's soccer ends, not to mention along with school, in less than two weeks...  I love that movie, We Bought a Zoo.  I totally get it.

marriage: bliss & sacrifice

My husband and I invited friends for dinner the other night.  They have been married for only a few years and they have one young daughter.  As we visited together, it was hard not to notice how in love the couple still is.  Being with them reminded me of our first decade or so of being married.  I loved those years: when my husband could do no wrong, when life was full of bliss and happiness, no matter what faced us.  It's not that my husband and I love each other less now, but the love we have is different.  I think it is deeper, wiser, more full.  We have sacrificed for each other, forgiven each other, and supported each other over and over again despite weaknesses, mistakes, selfishness, sadness, disagreements, and misunderstandings. 

Recently, a reader posted this comment:
"I recently left my family, friends and state to move across the country to be with my best friend and boyfriend during his residency. I was convinced that if I didn't move to be with him we would never have a shot at a real relationship because his training would take so long - residency! Yikes! So now I am here and I have made a go of it for a year, found a new job, made new friends, tried to grow to like a culture that is foreign to me. My question is, my 30th birthday weekend is coming up and when I mentioned it to him he informed me that an old friend from college's wedding was that weekend and that he wanted to go. He hadn't realized it was the same weekend as my birthday, or even that it was a big birthday - 30! When I expressed how upset and sad I was he told me simply that he works hard and that is how he wants to spend his money and what he plans to do. Of course he invited me to come with him, but he is in the wedding, so I'll be sitting there watching him in the wedding on my 30th birthday weekend. My actual birthday is Monday and he'll be working all day. What upsets me most is that he didn't realize it was my birthday, or a big one and then that his reaction was to get defensive about his plans rather than offer an alternative for celebrating with me. Days later he simply said, "What do you want to do for your birthday?". I felt insane and crazy for being upset and considered just leaving ASAP. We aren't married. He hasn't proposed and instead of saving for a ring he is going to use the money to travel to go to his friend's wedding. We keep getting more and more wedding invitations to our apt and with each one I feel like my dreams float farther and farther away. Is this a red flag or are we both just being stubborn?"

As I've thought about how to respond to these thoughts, I can't help thinking of how important it has been for my husband and I to be married during these years.  I realize that because we are LDS, or Mormon, our beliefs about marriage are becoming more and more rare, but I probably would have walked out on my husband hundreds of times if we had not been married, (or he would have been the one to walk out - I am super difficult to live with.)  Marriage automatically instills a sense of commitment and determination in each spouse.  Sometimes it doesn't take love (at all) to work out a disagreement, only forgiveness and compromise, and, yes, some sacrifice. 

This weekend I purchased something for my husband that he has been wanting for years, something that I place very, very little value in, and would honestly choose to never own.  (Okay, it's a big TV.)  I never wanted to be a mom with kids sitting on a couch in front of a TV, and have always had very strong feelings about it.  But I know my husband well, I feel his stress and anxiety (boards in a few weeks...), I know how he perceives love and appreciation, I knew it was something he wanted - a lot - but was sacrificing and waiting for, I see him working each day - harder than anyone I know - and deserves a reward every once in a while, and I wanted him to know how much I love him and want him to be happy.  Yes, he was surprised.  After he set it up and I saw my kids sitting on the couch, eagerly watching cartoons on it, I left to go grocery shopping while my husband studied upstairs.  I wept as I backed out of the driveway and later walked through the grocery store isles.  I wondered what had happened to my ideals, to me.  Then I remembered how much I love to see my husband happy... and that is what marriage is all about: doing all we can to make each other happy.

sleep first and argue later?

The moment my husband and I were married, someone offered the advice: never go to bed angry.  I took that advice to heart.  We didn't argue much at all during the first year of our marriage, but realized quickly that arguments only escalated at night when we were both irritable and exhausted.  We decided after that first year to "ignore" that advice, and save disagreements until the morning.  Usually we were ready to apologize by the morning and calmly discuss how to reconcile our differences in opinion.

I just found this article in the NYTimes Health Blog, Well: Really? The Claim: Never Go to Bed Angry. Scientists actually found that "going to sleep after experiencing negative emotions appears to reinforce or "preserve" them."  However, in this study people were shown images that would elicit certain emotionsl they were not involved in disagreements with their spouses.  I would argue that these are much different experiences.  The article also mentions other studies that have shown that "sleep, perhaps as an evolutionary mechanism, enhances emotional memories."  Isn't that interesting?  I have to admit that I have never felt like my emotions were actually "protected" or "preserved" during sleep.  I am guessing that maybe I am just so sleep-deprived, (and have been for about 10 years now), that no matter what, sleep makes me feel wonderful, and helps me to act much nicer (and less emotional) around those I love.

please help me answer an email

I received an e-mail from a reader last week.  I have been thinking about it a lot since, but have felt unsure about my response.  I decided to post a part of the e-mail on here and offer some of my thoughts.  I am hoping others will leave their advice and ideas as well.

"...I have about 2.5 years of school left before I complete my elementary education degree, and my husband has about 2 years left of undergrad. He's in a constant debate with himself about whether he wants to go with optometry, or ophthalmology. The optometry option seems a little bit more calm rather than the ophthalmology route, but we don't want to sell ourselves short and settle because we are afraid of the bigger challenge... and by reading your blog, it seems it really is the bigger challenge! ...because the other night we just sat at the kitchen table and were trying to budget and just thinking to ourselves.......How in the world does everybody do it? We both have to cut our working schedules basically in half by next semester, and have to focus our next two years on school and who knows what will happen. We are pretty lost most of the time, and most of our friends seem to be having a fountain of financial security somewhere that we can't find, ha ha!
I guess if med school is in our future, we have a lot of preparation to do! I'm really afraid of loans. My husband doesn't have any thus far, but I do and it's terrifying to me! We'll probably have to keep getting more to finish these last few years.... then tons more I'm sure!
We aren't planning on having kids for a few years....(After all, I'm only 20).... but it's all on Heavenly Father's timing and what he says goes. :) But I'm definitely not afraid if it were to happen now, because your blog makes me feel like it is possible and that we could do it!
Have you or your husband run into any ophthalmologists or 'future' ophthalmologists on your path?!
I would definitely love some or any advice you could possibly offer us! I would appreciate it so much!"

There were so many thoughts flying through my mind while reading this e-mail that I honestly do not know where to begin.  So, if my comments seem out of order and unconnected, that is why...

Here is some helpful advice that my husband received early in his education, (during his undergrad years), and which he now tells people who are debating whether or not to go into medicine:  If there is any other career path that you think you would be happy pursuing, choose it (over medicine).  But, if medicine is the only thing that you can imagine yourself doing (and being happy), then go for it.

And this is my advice:  None of it has been easy, ever.  I have worked or been in school (when I took out loans for living expenses) during all of my husband's studies and training.  He is in his 3rd year of residency and I am still working to supplement his income - with four kids at home.  My husband also worked whenever possible (during undergrad, during summers while in medical school).  There were brief moments in between when I stressed about our finances to the point of inflicting help problems upon myself (shingles at 30!).  (*And my husband and I have loving and supportive families backing us up and helping us out oftentimes.)

Just today while I was driving in my van I was wondering what (or if) I was thinking when we decided to start having children just months after we were married and I received my B.S. degree.  BUT, I am grateful now.  BUT, would I wish this upon my worst enemy?  Hmmm.  I don't know.  I am a pretty optimistic person.  I also realize how blessed we really are.  But, the experiences I have had to go through to learn all of this were truly painful at the time that I experienced them.

But, I never have experienced other peoples' trials.  Maybe they are worse than mine.  Maybe this thing called Residency really isn't that bad... compared to what other people go through during their preparation for their careers.

My husband also admits that he will not encourage his children to pursue medicine.

However, with all of that said, it does change everything to consider how Heavenly Father can make up the difference, how He can teach us and strengthen us - particularly when we are humble and "needy".  Maybe my husband and I will look back on these years as the time when we learned the most, when we felt closest to Heavenly Father, when we exercised great trust and faith in Him and then were able to see miracles.  Because we do see them.  Every day.

Plus, we are happy.  Really, we are.

am I just "waiting" for residency to be over?

Often I have to step back and evaluate whether I am "waiting until [we are] established to begin enjoying [our] life together." (From The Medical Marriage - Sustaining Healthy Relationships for Physicians and Their Families - a lovely little book.)  Generally I am a very positive person, definitely a "the-glass-is-half-full" type of person.  But, every once in a while, I feel a huge pressure mounting inside and I feel as if I might burst.  I thing I start "waiting."  When this happens, I have developed a habit of stepping back in order to evaluate the tiny details of my life, my thoughts, the way I treat others, how much I stretch myself to form lasting relationships, my gratitude, my priorities, what I am filling my time with - particularly my spare time, etc. 

I do not want to ever be found in "the waiting place." (From Oh, the Places You'll Go!")

Months ago, I read a little commentary: As for Years.  The article in based upon a scripture:

"I consecrate unto them this land for a little season, until I, the Lord, shall provide for them otherwise, and command them to go hence; And the hour and the day is not given unto them, wherefore, let them act upon this land as for years, and this shall turn unto them for their good." (D&C 51:16-17)

A study presented in The Medical Marriage showed that "parenting stress involving spouses of male residents and house staff found that 75 percent of staff spouses expected parenting stress to decrease after residency, but 50 percent reported that stress actually increased when their mates ended residency.  Only 25 percent stated that the level of stress had remained about the same."

How tragic if I place my hope on assuming that my husband will "be around more later" - that I even allow that thought to enter my mind - rather than just enjoy the times when he is around, and the times when he is not.  I agree that "...we are to live in the present."  I think that "...the Lord seems to want his people to be prepared... to live in the moment and for eternity..." because the lessons we learn during each experience, big or small, are indispensable and if we rush through it, or hold our heads too high to even notice the moments of the present as we "wait for later," we will miss - a lot.

The phrase "as for years"..."invites us to seize the day, but with an eye toward the future.  We are not merely to mark time in this life but... to improve every shining moment, knowing that eternity is composed of such fleeting moments."

splitting household (or life?) responsibilities

Okay, here is a recent question for all Readers, from another doctor's wife:

"I would like to ask for some advice from the spouses of Docs or Docs to be on how to handle the house responsibilities. I understand that as Docs they have their hands full most of the time if not all but I still wonder how to divide chores without creating too much pressure or extra pressure/demands. I have been married for 2 years now and I'm concerned that if we don't work something out soon, it will only get worse as he dives into his profession even further. One of my concerns is that we have started talking about starting a family soon and I would be 100% sure if only I knew that he was going to help me out, but when i think of how extremely uncomfortable it feels to even ask him to walk the dogs once in a while it scares me to even think about having kids. Any advice is greatly appreciated."

I hope others can tackle this question better than I can. 

My husband's and my responsibilities are so divided and so dissimilar, it is remarkable, I think.  There is very little overlap or involvement in each others' lives, really, particularly when it comes to household duties. 

However, my husband is extremely on board where the children are involved.  He is always planning a family getaway for a short weekend, or a short afternoon hike or a visit to a park.  He often takes one child at a time to run errands and spend extra time talking one-on-one with each one.  He listens to me talk about the children at night, when I know he needs to be sleeping.  If he happens to be home, he always jumps right in to pick up or drop off children, or stay home while one is sleeping.  He is always available to discuss problems I am having as a parent, or just listen as I talk endlessly about our children's successes and frustrations.  And sometimes he changes a diaper, or two.

And sometimes I notice he has picked up the toys, or loaded the dishwasher, or switched a load of laundry.  And then I love him even more.

Everyone is so different in how they balance their busy lives.  And I don't think that any one way is right, or the best. 

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and exhausted and insist on a day to wear my pj's all day and relax.  Sometimes my lull takes longer, especially if I can't take a whole day to recuperate.  My life is full of many little cycles of activity.  I can tackle many things alone and somewhat balance all of the demands of multiple children and a certified absentee husband, but only for a time.  I can attend book fairs, basketball games, cub scouts, play groups, library story times, church functions, etc. with anywhere from two to four children in tow, grocery shop, prepare meals, do laundry, clean the house, etc., but then I need a break.  A real break. 

Sometimes it is difficult to explain to my husband why I need a break.  He sees my life so differently, I know.  But, I see his life differently than he does also.  There is no way for us to step completely into each others' lives right now.  Sometimes I feel we are in completely different worlds.  But as long as he recognizes that I need a break, and doesn't complain when the sink is overflowing with dishes or the laundry is piled high or I don't feel like being social, then everything moves along smoothly... and we honestly feel and act like a team.

we don't see eye to eye all the time?

The other day I was talking with my husband and realized - with a sudden jolt - that we are very different people, and that we will never see things in the exact same way.  (This was an important realization for me - and - I know, I know - way overdue.) 

After this conversation, I thought of why it had taken me so long to realize this.  In general, my husband and I are very similar people, we have very similar values, beliefs, work ethics, priorities, etc.  But still, our genetics differ greatly, as do our lives and the billions of tiny little experiences that have led to where we are now. 

I concluded that there is really no way that a person could ever find someone that would be just like them and see things as they see them.

Not surprising, huh?  But, for me, this was huge.  I have assumed for so long that my husband and I see things in the same way, that he completely and totally understands my reasoning behind everything I do.  Apparently, this is very, very untrue, I now realize.  But, it's okay, really.  How boring would it be if we were completely the same, or could completely understand and accept each others' reasoning?

The other night I went to a marriage class provided at my church.  Some of my friends attend each month with their husbands, but my husband would rather have his spleen cut out with a spoon.  He was working all night, so I decided to take my kids (childcare is provided) and attend the class.  Another attendee made the comment that they had heard someone say: "We should not get married to try to fix each other, but to understand each other."  I loved that.  I needed to hear that. 

I think one reason people get married is because we realize how much happier we are when we are with the person we want to marry, and we can feel that they make us want to be better and expand ourselves and our life's experiences.  If we were exactly alike, I imagine we wouldn't feel that way.

Of course, it is super nice when we do see things the same way, understand each others' reasoning behind our actions, and see eye to eye.  But the rarity of it maybe - and honestly - makes me appreciate it more.

social interaction

Recently, a study in the July 2010 issue of PLoS Medicine revealed that "a higher level of social interaction can raise your chances of survival by 50 percent."  (Article about it.)

The researchers in the study "analyzed data from about 150 previously published studies that tracked both social interaction and health over time (an average of seven and a half years)."  Those people who had "better social integration were 50 percent more likely to live through the follow-up periods than more socially isolated people, regardless of health, age, or other factors."

One of the researchers also noted that "marital status - independent of marital quality - increased odds of survival by 33 percent."

Wow.

So, "strong family relationships indirectly help to maintain physical health, too." (A fun bar chart accompanies this article that displays the difference in healthy habits and social integration.)

No matter how stressful life gets, my relationship with my husband brings me strength, hope and comfort.  We also work hard together to create multiple social groups wherever we live (this isn't too difficult since we are Mormons).  I'm not sure it will increase the longevity of my life or his, but it will surely increase the quality of my life - manifold - because my life has been absolutely wonderful with him so far.

Sacrificing for each other

The other day my husband got off work around 5:00 p.m. - an unusually early time.  He settled in to help with dinner, play with the kids, and then went to the park with us to get the last little bit of energy out.  As we sat there I realized how beautiful the weather was, and how unusual it was that my husband was home for the entire evening.  It hit me that he could have gone biking rather than stay home.  I said, "You should have gone biking tonight!  The weather is perfect and you haven't exercised all week."  He said, "I wanted to, but I felt like I needed to spend some time at home tonight."  I was surprised.  He knows how much I support his biking passion, but even more his need to exercise due to the stress he withstands every day.

Two days later he got off work at noon and offered to watch the kids while I went grocery shopping for the week. (I was on my way out the door when he arrived.)  I refused and insisted that he go biking.  He refused and insisted that I let him take the kids for a while.  I made him promise that he would go biking later that day.  We agreed on a time.  I went shopping - with planned menus - something I never have the nerves or energy to do when all of the kids are with me (so I haven't done it now for... maybe around two years...?)  After I arrived home, he went biking.

Today I was thinking about how much my husband and I sacrifice for each other.  I wonder who sacrifices more - particularly during this time of my husband's career.  I am sure it is him.  And I am grateful for all that he does.  It is a strengthening, unifying, and inspiring aspect of our marriage relationship, and for me as an individual.

Our current societal trends do not seem to celebrate self-sacrifice.  Rather we hear and watch messages of how important it is to be independent, unrestricted, and completely absorbed with our own health, happiness and success.  In general, people seem more selfish.

We often talk with our kids about what sacrifice means and how gratifying it is to sacrifice our own needs for the needs of another.  We try to give them opportunities, or rather point out opportunities, and then identify how it makes them feel inside after they have sacrificed for another person.

But, I have to admit that I recognize that even when we understand how important it is to learn to sacrifice, and to do it often, and we have recognized consistently how much happiness it can bring, it is still difficult...

... but hopefully and maybe a little bit easier each time we do it...

... plus, it is always worth it... every single time.

blog feedback

Yesterday, I received a bit of feedback for this blog.  Feedback from someone whose opinion I value, trust, and do not fear (you know what I mean... and this feedback was not from my husband - he doesn't read my blog).  It was brief and concise:  "You make your husband out to be a very difficult person to live with.  You never write anything nice about him."

Initially, I laughed.

"Of course," I responded, "because right now we are in residency, a stage of life that brings out peoples' worst.  There are a lot of negative, revealing conversations, reactions, misunderstandings, and experiences that I think others going through a similar situation appreciate hearing.  "And," I added, "you must not read my blog that often, because I also write about how wonderful he is - sometimes."

"I haven't seen that," my evaluator continued, "and there has to be some good, interwoven with the negative.  Of course your husband has flaws and life is difficult, but people are not getting the whole picture.  I know your husband is a loving and kind person - because I know him and I am around him, but you do not ever describe him that way on your blog."

I thought about my recent posts.  I was sure that I had just barely said nice things about him, about his kindness, patience, and how wonderful he is to me as a husband, companion, and friend.  As soon as I was able to, I looked at my blog.  I scrolled through posts, skimming the words, continuing back months and months.

Nothing.

I sat there quiet, wondering how I could have misrepresented my husband so drastically.  Feeling grateful for the feedback.  Wondering how I could repair my husband's image.

So, I will start today, to try to paint a more true - or complete - picture of my life with my husband, not just the negative aspects that I know people will find interesting and that I will find therapeutic to write about, but also the boring aspects of residency life, the constant loving support my husband offers me, the strong connection we have due to long conversations about our days, our surprises, frustrations, triumphs and disappointments.  My husband is my absolute best friend.  He is patient beyond my ability to comprehend.  He listens to me - always.  He makes me feel loved and appreciated.  He is constant, strong, loyal, loving and kind.  I can depend on him for anything.  He reminds me often that my life "would be so boring" without him.  This is very true.

But, in essence, my husband is the reason my life is so wonderful.

Now you all know how truly spoiled I am though - so you might not want to read another word that I write on here.

working out the chaos

I arrived home from my family reunion last week in the evening, at about 6:30 p.m.  My husband was not supposed to get off work until around 6:00 p.m. so my kids and I packed up the car, explored the beach a bit more, shopped for memorabilia, and waited until the last minute for the long drive home.  I was exhausted after the trip.  I could hardly walk.  My husband got off work at 4:00 p.m. and had been anxiously awaiting our arrival since then.  He was disappointed that I had not rushed home to him, and he wanted to make sure that I knew.  I really thought I had timed it well.  (History has proven that he almost always gets off work later than expected.)  We ate leftovers, ones that I had prepared prior to our trip but that he had not eaten during the week we were gone, and stumbled into bed.

My husband had left early in the morning for work.  In a mad rush to get ready for church and prepare presentations, the kids had free reign of the house the next morning.  A box of Grapenuts cereal spilled on the kitchen floor.  A bag of old fashioned oats spilled on the carpet, with designs carefully fingered through it.  Clothes, toys, scooters, and the excitement-to-be-home exploded throughout almost every room in the house, as well as the evidence that I had neglected to unpack upon arrival.  My husband arrived home at about the same time we returned from church.  He was astounded by the scene.  I was numb, still tired, trying to adjust but really needing a vacation to recover from our last day of travel, trying to laugh about it.  He cut me short, saying, "This is unacceptable!" and retreated to his office.  Boom.  The reality of life returned.  A wistful, relaxing, fun, happy, carefree week on the beach.  Over.

It's always a lovely readjustment for us both when we reunite after being apart.  He gets used to the quiet, ordered house.  I get used to the carefree, disordered everything.  Then we meet again, usually both try to influence each other gradually, until we realize we cannot.  This time it was not gradual, on either end.  We reminded each other later of the status quo.  I cannot be controlled.  He cannot thrive among utter chaos.  Really?  We had to establish that?  Everything is back to normal, for now.