dreams and responsibilities

A few weeks ago, my mom and I were comparing our recurring, stress-inducing dreams about high school - "the one" that we have as adults, every so often. (Is that normal for everyone?)  She said her dreams always involve a big exam that she has failed to prepare for.  My dreams always, always start out wonderfully.  I am at school, excited to be there again, and to be with friends.  Then, I realize with a sudden and stressful jolt, that I cannot remember my school schedule.  I rack my brain, trying to remember what class I have first.  I wander the halls, watching everyone around me slip into busy classrooms.  I peak into a few, trying to find a familiar face or hear someone call me to join them.   I have absolutely no idea where I am supposed to be.  And I do not want to be late.  (I loved school.)  I return to my locker and realize that I cannot remember my high school locker combination (and believe me, I try hard to remember it).  I eventually go to the office (sometimes - if my dream happens to last that long) and request another schedule.  Sometimes I make it to a class and feel that I am in the right place, but the anxiety returns as I remember that I am not sure what class I should be going to next.  I am in an absolute panic for the duration of the dream.  Every single time I have it.

As I talked with my mom, I wondered if this dream could be due to my infrequent (but nonetheless real) deliberation about choosing to stay home with my children, rather than enter the workplace. (That is normal too, right?)  But as I have thought about it more, I wonder if this dream is also due to being married to a physician.  His crazy schedule has me on constant pins and needles.  There is no regularity.  I have no idea what time he will be home.  I know people have commented on here about a shared understanding that the physician's career is the #1 priority in their family.  But, I just can't live like that.  I have to have some sense of balance.  I also remember someone telling me when my husband started medical school that I would from then on be known as "the doctor's wife" rather than "Liz" or "the public health professional".  And, no matter what I do, will it ever be as important, or "recognized" as my husband's accomplishments and experiences?  Maybe my frenzied searching for my "correct" classroom, or the feeling of knowing exactly where I should be, is due to my insecurity about who I am, what I want to be known for, and what exactly I should be doing each day to reach my goals.

I'll have to think about that more tomorrow, while I do loads of laundry and dishes and use a magic eraser to scrub walls covered with crayon drawings done (emphatically) by our 2-year old, C.

Wealth and Happiness

In a dream the other night I visited the home of an old neighborhood friend. His family was extremely wealthy. I have no idea why I was there. As I stood waiting in the entryway, I immediately noticed that the beautiful wooden dining table in the adjacent room was filthy. Impetuously, I walked towards it and proceeded to meticulously wipe away the dust and debris along the top of the table and hidden in the cracks along the edges; since I did not have a rag, I used the bottom portion of my shirt.

While dreaming, I remember feeling that I should not clean the table, but... I could not stop myself.

Suddenly, three of my friend's sisters came walking in, chattering away, each holding multiple fancy shopping bags in each hand. Everything slowed down. They appeared to be dancing, full of laughter, bubbles, excitement, and innocence. I smiled at them; I wondered if they remembered me. Then, it dawned on me that I was cleaning their table. I knew they would not recognize me. This was confirmed when one cordially half-smiled back. Suddenly I realized that I probably appeared envious of their wealth-derived happiness. I wondered if I should stop cleaning - I wanted to stop cleaning. I wanted to explain who I was and why I was there. But, I could not stop cleaning.

I felt torn: I knew I could not explain my behavior, but I wanted them to know that I was not envious of their wealth.

Many thoughts and feelings flooded my mind and heart, yet, I continued cleaning the table.

A short time later, I walked out of the house. My friend appeared. I said hello, and goodbye, and then I left. And then, somehow I knew, even while dreaming, that I was there not only to observe the wealth, the riches, and the apparent happiness, but also to examine my own feelings towards money. Now, as I dig down deep inside and try to remember that dream and the feelings I had, I cannot identify any residual feelings of desire, regret, envy, sadness, or frustration.

Every once in a while I wonder if we have lived meagerly for long enough that my materialism has been completely squelched - enough that I can easily find happiness without money. I hope that it has. But, then, I see something for my daughter, and I can feel inside a small ache because I want so much to buy it for her. Maybe I do still need more time to develop a healthy relationship with money. I need to realize that my kids also don't need "things" to be happy.

Hopefully it won't take me too long to learn that one - we only have two and a half more years of residency left...