food, France, and finances

It's been more than three months now since I began eliminating processed foods, sugars and breads from my diet.  The first few weeks were the most difficult (and, honestly, it is still challenging sometimes)... but the experience overall has definitely been worth it.  I have felt empowered and healthy, truly healthy, inside.  I have lost inches, pounds, and everyone tells me I look much thinner and healthier.  I had no idea that the effects of a healthier diet would be so noticeable, for me on the inside as well as for others on my outside.

Recently, (as mentioned in the post below), I went home to visit my parents for a few weeks.  It was a great respite from the exciting spring we had as a family, being asked by our landlord to move and then told we could stay for one more year (after I packed up half the house).  I also volunteered to be the treasurer for my son's select soccer team (26 boys) after a long deliberation by my son about whether to play select or premier soccer this year.  I also volunteered to take charge of fundraising for my children's elementary school as a member of the PTA executive board, and began attending meetings and trainings.

(My little 4-year old niece took this picture of me during our family reunion.  My face/hair looks crazy but it shows my figure a little bit...)

After my husband took his boards and began his fellowship, I returned home with my kids... against my better judgement, digging my heels in, but fully recognizing that I needed to return to "reality" and my husband (I missed him so much!!).  What I didn't expect was the realization that I had charged an enormous amount of money to our credit card while away.  Our transmission burned up during our 20-hour drive and we spent almost $5,000.00 replacing it in our 2004 Odyssey (I know - not cool, or probably wise!), and because my husband had no income during the month of July, (the fellowship program gave the fellows a month off in order to study for their medical boards), I used our credit card for the month... to live.

The efforts of the last three months to figure out how to overcome my (previous, deeply set) emotional eating habits, to intentionally feed my body and soul, to master my cravings and irresponsible eating, to truly enjoy food but not be controlled by it, all suddenly seemed irrelevant.  The financial stress that quickly crept over me and throughout my being gradually took over during the first two days home... and I began to eat.  Granted I was eating healthy... peanut butter with apples or bananas, walnuts and strawberries on red leaf lettuce, brie cheese on healthy crackers, eggs with tomatoes and pepper jack cheese, homemade black bean burgers, delicious brownies made of walnuts, oatmeal, dates and cocoa, fruit and vegetables, etc. For two days I ate... and ate and ate.  Yesterday by 4:00 pm I was absolutely sick.  I felt awful.  I realized that I had allowed myself to give in to the comfort that food offers, the addictiveness of eating delicious food to satisfy stress and the bodily cravings associated with dealing with stress.

This morning I grabbed a book that I borrowed from my mom's bookshelf when I was there: French Women Don't Get Fat, by Mireille Guiliano.  (I have an fascination with France and always have... I studied French in college and have dreamed of going there (or living there!) ever since.)  It has been delightful to read.  There are so many wise tidbits... like:

To be successful, "...you have to be ready to embrace pleasure and individual happiness as your goals."
"A French woman's secret is mainly in her head.  It is one thing to identify your offenders, quite another thing to manage them."
"Novelty is a powerful distraction.  Choose quality over quantity: pick things in season."
"A walk not only uses calories, it can be wonderfully meditative, clearing your head and making you less vulnerable to eating for psychological comfort."
"Deprivation is the mother of failure.  Any program that your mind interprets as punishment is one your mind is bound to rebel against."
"He (her physician) was telling me to be the master of my pleasures as well as my restraint."
"Three months of discovering new things and getting to know your body better is a kindness to yourself that will continue to be repaid for years to come."

This is one of my favorite parts of the book so far:

"At least half of our bad eating and drinking habits are careless, they grow out of inattention to our true needs and delights.  We don't notice what we are consuming, we are not alert to flavors--we are not really enjoying our indulgences, and therefore we think nothing of them and overdo it.  Perhaps you have given up caring about fashion.  Or trying other new things?  It maybe easy for a wife, mother, and full-time worker to neglect pleasure; perhaps a part of you even thinks it's selfish.  But you must understand there is nothing noble in failing to discover and cultivate your pleasures... You owe it to your loved ones as well as yourself to know and pursue your pleasures.  And since everyone's taste and metabolism are unique, you must pay attention to yourself-- to what delights you-- so you can tailor your system and preferences.  It's a lifelong commitment, but it promises a lifetime of good health and contentment."

I am only half way into the book but I felt that I had to share some of these tidbits that inspired me to step back and evaluate my current psychological health and make a plan for being successful in my desire to live healthily, happily and fully. 

anticipation is... not one of my strengths

A normal day.  But full of anxiety.  Waiting.  Wondering.  Anticipating a change.  But not sure if one will come.  Will these moments always be present?  I recall feeling like we had "made it" once my husband was accepted into medical school.  I didn't know the following eight years would be full of additional applications, matches, ranking, decisions... yes, it's the decisions that weigh on and gnaw at our peace and happiness.  Sometimes I feel it would be nice if someone would just tell us what to do... which specialty, which fellowship, which job, which city, which neighborhood... which path will be the best for our family, for our growth, for our happiness.  But... then I am so grateful for the opportunity to choose for ourselves.  My husband's decision to apply for a fellowship was a difficult one, up until the last moment that he could withdraw his name from the system.  He felt good inside about leaving his name on the rank list... though his head tells him it is time to get a job and start paying back on loans.

I read in a National Geographic Travel magazine the other day the following statement: "Worrying is praying for something that you don't want." I like that idea, but it is difficult to incorporate into my genetically programmed being that is 98% of the time completely indecisive and while making decisions worries endlessly - even about decisions already made (some, even years ago).

Sometimes I wish I could climb a tree like my kids do, to momentarily avoid making "big" decisions, to be forced to make small but important decisions as I climb, to feel the challenge, the rush, the calmness, the reward as I reach the top and settle down on the perfect branch, to be renewed by the feeling of having escaped from the world below.  (My older brother and I grew up mostly high up in trees.)  But, I'm a little old for that now, and the neighbors might worry about me (that is, if they aren't already quite worried).

My husband will find out the results of the match in a couple of weeks, but the anticipation is thick already.  It feels like our lives are on hold.  Neither my husband nor I handle anticipation well.  But... we are being nice to each other and this is normally when we fight - which we rarely do because this level of anticipation is rare - but because we are both awful at waiting patiently - and calmly - for life-changing information.