a possible way to increase efficiency and mutual understanding in a family...

This is an article with some very interesting parenting ideas: Family Inc.  I had studied many of the ideas while doing my masters degree, but never thought to apply them to my family's dynamics and daily mechanics. 

My husband and I actually decided to incorporate the idea and had a family meeting to discuss a few of the points in the article.  It was amazing to see how my 10-year old son became engaged during the meeting.  If I can be consistent in applying the ideas on a daily basis, I think it could possibly be incredibly beneficial to our family, our relationships, and our daily excitement(s). 

I feel like I want to buy the book, The Secrets of Happy Families... especially since I can't fathom why someone would recommend that I cancel date night (!!)... that's really the only time my husband and I talk... 

is there anything left for him?

A few days ago my husband blurted out to me, "You have been so difficult to live with lately!"

So, I began to attempt to explain to my husband why this may be so, (because I could not deny it).  After rambling a bit about the depressing book I was reading (Wuthering Heights), and my inability to go to sleep at night until I completely emptied my brain of all 'to-do' items, which often involves brainstorming names of people that I can ask to help me get my kids to various activities, and trying to illustrate to him why I have dug myself into this deep hole of crazy-business, I could tell he just wasn't getting it, so I said the first thing that came to my mind: "Because I am exhausted by the time the kids go to sleep, and then you are there and want to talk and I almost want to cry because I am so tired."

He responded, very nicely, "Wow, I'm sorry.  I always assume that you need and want to talk at night.  I am often exhausted too, so it is all right with me if we don't make time for each other after the kids go down.  Just tell me if you are too tired to talk and just need to go to sleep, and I won't be offended at all."

I was exhausted from even trying to explain to him why I was exhausted.  I let it go, knowing I had blown it and would need to fix what I had said, (because I really love and look forward to talking with my husband).  We were both sitting at the kitchen counter, both eating cereal for dinner, he, having recently returned home from work at 9:15 p.m., and me, recently returned from a preschool co-op meeting and taking the babysitter home while a neighbor sat in our living room because the kids were all asleep in bed.

Since then I have thought more about it.  Essentially, it comes down to this:  Each day, I am not saving anything for my husband.  I have created this hectic, self-destructive schedule for my kids and for myself that is totally draining me of all energy, including my backup adrenalin.  By the time my husband gets home, I am beyond the point of being able to hold a cordial conversation, let alone be patient and respectful if he interrupts my groove in any way.

So, how do I save 10% for the end of the day, or maybe more realistic, 2%? How do you deny your children as they naturally seek to drain all 100% by 4:00 p.m.?  I guess, if I am to be realistic, a lot will settle itself as baseball, gymnastics, and my daughter's soccer ends, not to mention along with school, in less than two weeks...  I love that movie, We Bought a Zoo.  I totally get it.

a visitor that changed me

One of my sweet roommates from college visited a while back. I wrote this post, and never posted it...  As I reread it tonight, all of the feelings flooded back in, and I appreciated my advice to myself.

She stayed with us for a full week.  The transition I went through during the week was significant.

My friend doesn't have children - yet.  And, as you all know, our home is full of children... and arguing... and running... and whining... and laughing... and screaming... and crying... and... all-around complete craziness...

My friend is Healthy.  Organic.  No sweets, no sugar, lots of fruits, and many more vegetables - a lot more than fruits - every single meal, every single day.  She is also calm, sweet, smart and methodical.  She is extremely laid back but also constantly explores and seeks to learn more about the world around her.  Time is extremely valuable to her.  She spends it wisely.  She cares about people.  She must have time to think, to read, to walk, to talk.

My children fought, bickered, whined, acted out - possibly more during this week, than they ever have during their entire short lifetimes combined.

I panicked.

I started to look at myself in The Way I assumed my friend must have been viewing me.

I panicked again.  Then I thought about giving up, right then and there.  Then, I decided to just make a few small changes.

Maybe sometimes self reflection requires having a friend visit.  Maybe it doesn't.  Maybe it was The Week for me to remember what is most important, to focus in on it, and hopefully improve in ways that otherwise I would have continued ignoring.

I am going to be nicer.  I am going to be more patient.  I am going to move more slowly.  I am going to eat fresher food.  I am going to clean less and talk with my kids more.  I am going to make every moment count.

Some day my life will be quiet, my house will be clean, and I will have more time to think...   But right now, I have to focus on loving my husband and my kids, (and maybe also on doing laundry and the dishes before they overtake the house).  I can't spread myself too thin, right?

does anxiety affect our inner drive?

I found this article interesting.  Here is a highlight:

"According to the National Institute of Mental Health, anxiety disorders now affect 18 percent of the adult population of the United States, or about 40 million people. By comparison, mood disorders — depression and bipolar illness, primarily — affect 9.5 percent. That makes anxiety the most common psychiatric complaint by a wide margin, and one for which we are increasingly well-medicated. Last spring, the drug research firm IMS Health released its annual report on pharmaceutical use in the United States. The anti-anxiety drug alprazolam — better known by its brand name, Xanax — was the top psychiatric drug on the list, clocking in at 46.3 million prescriptions in 2010."

We have been worrying about E, our oldest, because of physical manifestations possibly due to anxiety.  It is worrisome, from a parent's perspective, especially as I ponder the question of whether it is due to environment or nature.  During residency, sometimes I feel so powerless to change our - or rather his - environment.  His dad is gone, a lot.  His friends are all very involved in after-school activities, so E is also.  His mom is borderline Type A, and his sister (closest in age of his siblings) is also.  I often think it is a miracle that he gets out of bed in the morning.

But then at other times, I am completely amazed by his drive and self-assurance.  Yesterday I offered to be the assistant coach for my daughter's soccer team.  A few minutes after chatting with the coach I hurried away to rush my 2-year old to the port-a-potty at the other end of the park.  My son (he told me later) then approached the coach and asked if he could be the "3rd coach" and also help with the team.  He said she told him, yes.

I often wonder what makes us "tick" - what motivates my children, and how I can help them be motivated to do good, to make good choices that will bring them happiness.

I wonder if it has nothing to do with me.... and maybe it shouldn't...?

Or, maybe anxiety has absolutely nothing to do with drive and confidence.  Maybe I just went on a huge tangent...

Isn't it fun to be a parent?

who enjoys child care more?

I thought this article was rather entertaining: Do Women Like Child Care More Than Men?  In it the author discusses possible reasons behind statistics from recent polls, and attempts to determine if women truly find child care more satisfying than men.  (I think the illustration at the top of the article is so, so great!)

However, I don't necessarily agree that "men are missing out" but rather that their whole beings are focused on providing for their families, and thus, the majority of their energy and main focus are in an entire different realm - at least my husband's is.  I don't blame him at all when he has no interest in cleaning the house, folding laundry, cooking dinner, or reading books to the kids before bed.  When I was in school studying for my masters, I hoped every single time that I headed home that dinner would be on the table and someone else would put my kids to bed.  (I don't know if that ever happened but I do clearly remember the feeling of mental exhaustion.)

I also do believe that women are in comparison more "designed" for child care.  It was interesting to read about the varying levels of testosterone and interest in babies.  (But, I also must admit that I doubt I would put that I feel happy (or even half happy) when I have lots of laundry to do, or when I need to clean up after my 2-year old has an "accident."  I'm not sure what could have been on that survey...  Anyways.  The enjoyment doesn't come in those moments, it comes during moments that are just as brief and just as forgettable - when my 2-year old runs up and hugs my leg, yelling "Help Mom! Z is trying to get me!" and then runs away laughing as my 4-year old runs after him.

My husband, just the other night, put our kids to bed while I went to a church activity.  When I arrived home, he said to me: "They all brushed their teeth and we read scriptures together.  They are all sound asleep.  I am such a good mom." 

Then I looked around the house.  Priority is everything.  So is multitasking.

And, I must add, so is finding joy in what we do each day.

a temporary best friend

We volunteered to watch a Vizsla while some friends are out of town.  My husband and daughter have been studying this breed of dog for months now.  We (I mean, they) thought it would be a nice opportunity for us to see what having this type of dog would be like.

It has been four days, but it feels like much, much longer.  The craziness of our household has increased exponentially.  The vizsla is a 6-month old puppy - and, yes, he eats everything and wants attention constantly!!

My kids are enthralled with being in his cage.  The dog is very well trained.  I am wondering if I should have practiced on a dog - before I had children, or if I should have purchased a cage when I starting having children.  They will just sit in there, doing nothing and being very quiet, all of my kids.  It seems to calm them - and delight them.

Life has never been this exciting - every single minute of every single day.  I'm sure the puppy can't wait to return to the quiet, predictable, and relaxed atmosphere of his owners' home.  At least I know that I am excited for Wednesday night to come (and indeed grateful that it will come).

being nice

I am trying to be a really nice mom.  It is almost killing me.  I am trying to never raise my voice or use any sort of critical words or tone of voice - despite unacceptable behavior.  I am trying to always be rational and patient and use my words.  (This is a bit comical, since I am constantly telling my children to do the same thing and I am discovering that this may be beyond me to be successful at such behavior.)

The other day, I crumbled and lectured (very briefly) my 9-year old for not closing the front door of the house though he was the last one to come out.  I caught myself quickly and then, as I drove up our street, before realizing that all four children were attentively listening, I exclaimed in desperation while clutching my steering wheel, "It is just too hard to be nice all of the time!"

But, I have decided that all of this is worth it.  We are role models for our children, and I think it is best if they work out problems with each other with words and calm, respectful voices.

A few weeks ago I suddenly saw myself, from another perspective.  I was completely and solely surviving.  I had discovered through trial and error that when I raised my voice, all four of my kids would do exactly what I asked.  If I asked calmly, three times, that they do something, they ignored me quite easily, and then when I raised my voice they stood at attention.  It became a habit, for all of us.  And it eventually became apparent that all of my energy was focused on only surviving.  I began to feel like I was raising my voice - all of the time.  I felt desperate and mean.  I felt like I had no control - unless I was mean.  I started to feel like I had no control in many aspects of my life, and that I was barely surviving.  This was not because my circumstances dictated that I had to only survive.  I chose to act that way, or rather, react that way.  And I am hoping now that I can choose not only to survive these years with young children, but to enjoy them (thoroughly) and become a better person during the process... despite how difficult it may be for me.

It's been a week and it is still challenging, but the effects are reverberating.  Just my decision to not be controlled by the actions (or lack of action) of others has strengthened me and lifted me, and helped me feel better about myself as a mom.

chores, challenges and happiness

Since designing a chore chart in December and enacting a regular system of chores, (which also includes a new behavior-altering strategy), my house has been clean, my kids have been nicer and better behaved... and I have received a new insight into... my life.

I have learned:
When my kids are working, they are happier.
When my kids are working together, they fight with each other less.
When my kids have finished their chores, they seem satisfied with themselves and are more confident and happy.
When my kids have regular chores, they do not complain when I randomly ask them to help me with something.
When my kids have regular chores, they are too busy to bicker and fight.
When my kids do not have regular chores, they are initially grateful and "happy", but then gradually and inevitably they seem to become completely ungrateful... for everything.
When my kids have not had chores in a while, they begin to bicker and argue more.
When my kids have not had chores in a while, they complain more (about everything, it seems).
When my kids have not had chores in a while, they whine endlessly when asked to help with any random household duty.  They are much less likely to serve others.
When my kids do not have regular chores, they are much less happy.

The correlation is simple: are we similar, as children of Heavenly Father, in our reactions to challenges and obstacles, and even the daily humdrum, in our own lives? 

Are we happier when faced with challenges that demand our energy, attention, problem-solving skills?  Are we happier when we are working hard at something and realizing that we are accomplishing something, succeeding at something difficult?  Are we happier after (and because) we have overcome an obstacle or completed a difficult task?  More particularly, are we happier when we recognize the blessings we have, the help we receive from the Lord as we overcome challenges, and feel firsthand of His love for us, and as we realize how much he has helped us and that He wants us to be happy?

Of course.

I have probably heard this correlation thousands of times, but it suddenly felt more real and more important as I thought about my experiences with my own children and my (lovely) chore chart during the past few months.  Initially, I enjoyed working alongside my children, observing their growth and seeing the benefits of their busy minds and hands.  Plus, their behavior improved significantly when I began to assign additional chores for negative behavior, such as fighting, name-calling, bickering, talking back, laziness, etc.  But now, I don't just enjoy all of this, I feel an urgent need to be consistent with the chore system - every single day.

(I love my chore chart... very, very much.)

And now when I face a challenge in my life, I must admit that I think about my kids working, struggling, keeping out of trouble, and learning gratitude, and I smile.  Similarly, I think about how pleased Heavenly Father probably is as He watches me face a challenge without whining, refusing to cooperate, but with a willing heart; knowing that I can do my best and He will help me overcome or accomplish something if I fall short and that it will lead to greater happiness, gratitude and love for others.  And somehow it makes everything so much easier.

some new thoughts about parenting

My mom sent me this article:  Why French Parents Are Superior.  It is lovely.  Read the entire thing.  I felt enriched, like I had read a wonderful book that had changed me in a large way. 

winter break

The first day of winter break with my children was eye-opening for me.  We had Saturday and Sunday together, and then Monday came... and school didn't.  I woke up to prepare my husband's breakfast and lunch (his hospital food bill adds up exponentially if I don't, plus, he loves it when I do) and asked if I could go with him to work.  Clearly I had surrendered to my children before they even woke up.  Later on, after cleaning and organizing their bedrooms (we just switched them up - again), swimming with them, watching Kung Fu Panda 2, and managing them as they did all sorts of chores - everything I could think of, including vacuuming the stairs - I suddenly panicked.  I needed more chores, more jobs for them to do.  I needed a cow, or another dirty house, or something to keep them busy.  After watching the cartoon version of The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, we read books and they fell asleep.

I couldn't fall asleep.

All I could do was think about how to prevent another day like yesterday.  I knew that I could not go shopping with them.  I've already bought most of everything we need for Christmas.  I can't spend more money.  And they are very good at asking for things they "need" when we are out shopping.  I can't leave the house or else I will spend money.  It's too cold to go hiking.  We did that for the last time a little over a week ago.  The kids complained and later two developed bad coughs.  I can't go crash friends' houses because most have left to visit family for Christmas.  And, did I mention, it's cold outside.

I cannot figure out why I was so excited last week for winter break to begin.  Now I am living in a panic, trying to figure out how to keep my kids from fighting - interacting - with each other.  at all.  And how to avoid any whining when I ask them to do anything, like get dressed or get in the car.  Why don't I at least have a neighbor with a farm that I can send my kids over to do some actual work?  That would be so ideal.

a weekend of fun

I finally got my root canal re-treatment yesterday.  The pain following it was much worse than the week-long pain preceding the appointment.  Our family, as previously mentioned, is also amidst the spreading of the flu bug.  Last night my jaw was throbbing, despite my taking Ibuprofen regularly all afternoon and evening, one son was throwing up and another son had a burning fever.  My husband got home from a 13-hour day and stepped right in to give medicine, clean up throw-up, sooth everyone and tuck everyone into bed. 

I was so grateful for him.  

This morning he was telling my daughter about how he had "stepped up to it" the night before and said, "That was the first time Daddy has ever cleaned up throw-up."  I said from the other room, "Really?"  He responded, "Well, I'm not exactly sure, but I think so."

Wow.  I was even more impressed with how he handled the situation last night.

He is on call today from home.  I hope he does not get called in - I can't handle the throw-up and the toothache. 

I wonder if he is hoping to get called in...

laughing instead of crying

One of my sisters sent me this video link today: Moments that Matter Most.  It is inspiring and heart warming, but because of my evening's activities, it just made me laugh - a lot. 

I had just finished scrubbing the back seat and floor of the inside of my minivan, two car seats, the carpet in my house in two different places, my entire entryway hardwood floor, and every inch of one entire bathroom.  During all of this I had started three loads of laundry - all of which were partially or completely covered in throw-up.  My 4-year old son apparently ate too many blueberries right before we left for my 7-year old daughter's last soccer game of the season.  I didn't get to watch any of it.

While I was busy cleaning, my 2-year old son was busy too.  He opened multiple capri sun pouches, sprayed them across the carpet in two separate rooms, attempted to flush a few pouches down the toilet along with random papers he retrieved from my 9-year old son's backpack and almost an entire roll of toilet paper, and he squirted out almost an entire tube of toothpaste that I bought two days ago.  Needless to say, he tripled the time I had to spend cleaning - even after everyone went to bed.

I'm sure you are all wondering where my resident husband was during all of this excitement, (the story actually is a lot better (worse) but I'll spare you the details).  Yes, he was working late.

(I've never had a child throw up all over my car... my cloth seats and floor.  Has anyone been successful in completely eliminating the smell after such an ordeal?) 

The video link that my sister sent to me did affect me in a positive way.  I was reminded that along with the "bad" moments, there are so many good ones, and essentially that all of it, and I mean everything, is totally and absolutely worth it.

the BLU light

I purchased the light.  Yes, The Light.  At Costco, last Thursday.  It was first thing on the conveyer belt - in a smaller box than I had pictured in would be in.  I had all four of my kids with me and was nervous because they wanted to "help" with "Daddy's light" so I placed it on there first.  The checker took my Costco card, scanned the little box, and then paused to look up at me and smile.  Then he looked over at my cart; it was literally draped with children.  Two children had their legs up in the air as they attempted to unload things heavier than themselves, one kid was standing next to the cart hugging the bag of dried mangoes, and another kid was methodically unloading items from the cart onto the conveyer belt.  The checker looked back at me and said, "Now I know why you need the blue light!"  It was the wrong day, or maybe just the wrong moment, for a comment like that.  Normally, I would have chuckled and nodded at such a comment (they come often enough).  But, really.  He was so young and naive, I thought I should be honest with him and with myself.  "No," I said, staring him down with all the thoughtful energy I could while smiling nicely, "it's the rain."  We chatted about the rain, the joy of having a big family, and New England, where he grew up.  I left, still baffled by what he had said - had insinuated - but I was impressed by his kindness and felt hopeful that his view of the world had been changed - even if just a little.