How do we best motivate our kids?

Yesterday I took my kids to the beach.  (When the sun comes out we have to go to the beach.  Sunny days are still so rare - even in August.)  While I sat there reading and watching my kids, I overheard a group of moms complaining about how difficult it is to motivate their children to do anything them unless they have immediate rewards for their compliance.

I thought about all of the similar conversations I have had with friends about the exact same topic.

I think a lot of our daily actions are merely based on habit.  There are few things that we do because we stop to think about the resulting immediate or long-term rewards.  I don't think about why I should brush my teeth, I just do it.  I used to solicit and end up arguing with my oldest son over unloading the dishwasher or folding a load of laundry as a daily chore.  Now when I ask, he just does it.

When kids are young, how do we help them develop these types of habits?  Habits that are healthy, lead to happiness, and are actually beneficial to themselves, like being nice to their siblings, working, serving, cleaning up after themselves.  How do I teach my oldest to look for opportunities to do a chore, without being asked?  Is rewarding children over and over again the best way to get them to accomplish something that maybe they have no interest in doing, or is difficult for them to do?  Or can we just continue to encourage them continuously, of course teaching by example, and help them to see the benefits?

I think if we help our children do something over and over again, they will see how rewarding it is, and, as time goes by, it will hopefully become second nature for them.  Is there an easier or better way?

I find that when we discuss values, repeatedly, it gives my children something to think about and something for me to remind them of when we are in the heat of the moment.  This is one of my favorite parenting books:  The Book of Mormon: A Pattern for Parenting, by Geri Brinley.  The first time I read it, it took me a while to get into it, (I think my kids were still young so I thought I knew what I was doing and didn't need much help), but I read it often now - in large chunks as it has so many wonderful and applicable ideas that I have loved.

Wangari Maathai

I just finished reading a wonderful children's book to my kids: Planting the Trees of Kenya: The Story of Wangari Maathai, written and illustrated by Claire A. Nivola.

Wangari was the recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize in 2004 - the first woman from Africa to receive it.  She drew a correlation "between the health of her country's natural environment and the well-being of her country's people."

The author describes beautifully what action Wangari took to improve her native land of Kenya and its people. The watercolors are gorgeous, the words beautiful.  The feeling portrayed is simple, inspirational and powerful.  The author wrote: "She had a simple and big idea."

At the end of the book, in the author's note, she stated: Wangari "simply believes that those who feel strongly about something and understand what needs to be done must act."

I love that.  And I want my kids to feel the power of that belief also.  And to see how huge the results can be - even if the initial idea is small and simple.  The author quotes Wangari: "Remember what millions of hands can do."  Wangari taught the women in Kenya: "They did not have to wait for the government to help them.  They could begin to change their own lives."

Wangari founded the Green Belt Movement in 1977.  Wangari said, "I always felt that our work was not simply about planting trees.  It was about inspiring people to take charge of their environment, the system that governed them, their lives and their future."

I am going to buy the book, if I can.  It is a wonderful depiction of a people who found hope and courage once they were empowered with education and training from a single woman, and then dedicated themselves, their energy and resources to improve their own lives in a poverty-stricken developing country.

whichever way the wind blows, I guess

While on the beach, I finished reading Dead Aid: Why Aid Is Not Working and How There is a Better Way for Africa by Dambisa Moyo.  Moyo presents her argument with simplicity and comprehensive research, and she provides a clear cut plan for alleviating poverty in the many African countries receiving enormous amounts of aid every year.  I was captivated the read, but a bit lost amidst her details involving large and small scale economics.  I immediately felt strongly that I need go back to school and study economics.  

Then, I read Nobody Don't Love Nobody: Lessons on Love from the School With No Name, by Stacey Bess.  It was a wonderful read.  After graduating, Bess is hired to be a teacher for an elementary school in a homeless shelter in Salt Lake City, Utah.  She weaves personal and powerful stories throughout her book as she challenges others to become engaged in the fight against homelessness.  She irrefutably proves that love is the only way to help people - children as well as adults.  I immediately felt strongly that I need to go back to school and get my teaching certificate.



During our long walks on the beach, I started hinting to my husband about my plans.  He cut me off - immediately.  "Not until you pay off your other school loans," he said in a teasing voice, but I knew he was serious.  Drats.  He has a point.

I'm gone

I am delving - again - into that realm of being immersed in an alternative universe.  Not only is my brain screaming for a rest from all of my commitments and obligations, but my husband has a week off from work and we are traveling - again - to the desert.

I cannot say, 'I can't wait,' because I am already diving head first into my realm of relaxation.

Not only does the knowledge of my husband having time off from work allow me to totally forget all of my obligations, but my husband's household contributions seem to push me even further away.  My husband made dinner last night.  He did the dishes after dinner tonight.  He entertained the kids at various times during the day.

I feel like I can easily disappear.

Meanwhile, he has caught me at least three times sitting on the couch, immersed in my chosen novel for this relaxing week: Gone with the Wind.

I think I chose well.  It easily and completely sweeps me away each time I pick it up.

One that I plan to Read Again

One of my husband's favorite biking buddies turned 50 yesterday.  My husband gave him this book, We Might As Well Win.  

I have to admit that it is a really good read.

The only reason I read it was because it was available when no other book was.  I read it backwards, starting with the last chapter, (which shows how serious I was about reading it, and proves my point that I was desperate for something to read at the moment).

But, I plan to re-read it someday.  It was that good.

It is filled with stories about Lance Armstrong and his coach, Johan Bruynel.  Each story is entertaining and interesting.  The book is well written.  It made me want to become a serious (I could never hit 'professional') road biker.  It filled me with desire to be better, to reach higher.  Needless to say, as a whole, it is quite an inspiring and enjoyable book.

"One Smart Goose"

My 3-year old recently fell in love with this book. We have had it for years, but it has become one of, what I call, His Stack. He is still in the stage where he requests the same book over and over again, within the same sitting. And then he carries the book around with him along with one or two others, and requests that we read them later the same day, as many times as I'll agree to. His Stack stays with him at the counter, at the breakfast table, on the floor surrounded by trucks and balls. As soon as he notices that I am in a sitting position, he grabs the stack and runs toward me with it, saying with a hint of desperation and urgency (as if it's the first time we've done it), "Will you read these to me, Mom?"

Some stacks are better than others. But, this book is such a good one - I don't mind that it is in the current stack at all. She has other books too that are super fun. I love the "lessons" she includes, and the colorful art also.

It's so easy to go along with the crowd. I think I'll save this book and pull it out often to re-read it to my kids when they are teenagers.

Political Views, Capable, and a Little Luck

I love the political parallels in the book, The Very Persistent Gappers of Frip by George Saunders. I cannot read the book and not be reminded of my somewhat liberal upbringing in a very (very) conservative atmosphere.

The people in the story blame "luck" for their various trials, blessings, responsibilities, and resulting happiness (or lack thereof) in their lives in the tiny sea town called Frip. The people are quick to consider only their own situations, rather than that of others, and are surprised when those with worse "luck" seek their help.

It is hard to look beyond our own needs, especially when it comes to political views and our expectations of our government bodies and representatives. It is extremely difficult to look at the big picture, to seek ways to improve the lives of everyone around us, and not just our own. I love Capable's ingenuity and inner strength, not only to find a way to overcome the persistent gappers, but also to forgive others and teach them the value of community. Their lives and the challenges to the residents of Frip are changed forever because of her thoughtfulness, determination to succeed, and her willingness to share her material goods when her "luck" came back.

I read it to my kids. They loved the story and the pictures.

But, really, I think I enjoyed it and appreciated it much more than they did. I think I stole this copy from my parents' bookshelf years ago. I hope they don't miss it - it's definitely a keeper.

Traditions & Priorities

I'm tired. Physically and mentally. Tired of trying to keep up with perceived expectations. Tired of never having enough time to just think. Tired of trying to take everything in stride cheerfully. My tiredness has driven me to jumble my priorities together in a large pot of delicious but complex soup. Each priority is searching to be realigned and find its place in my life.

It has been surprising and interesting for me to observe. The problem is that I am not a complex person. I am very simple, easy-going, and very easy to please. But, I also like to be challenged, I like to procrastinate and then work like a crazy woman to meet a deadline. I actually enjoy being busy like that - most of the time. I like to do everything. I'm pretty typical: it's hard for me to say no. I think my personality is combined of very different traits that are difficult to reconcile. I love to have projects to work on - but, I also love to stay in my pj's all day.

Last week I blamed my current internal jumbling on being spread too thin: volunteering to write grants for my kids' elementary school; Halloween costumes and parties (I can hardly type the word without my eye twitching); researching an idea for a business; blogging daily; working in my church Primary presidency, twice subbing for the chorister (more twitching), preparing for our primary program; meeting new friends in a new neighborhood and school; throwing birthday parties; driving the kids to various activities; correcting homework for teachers or volunteering in their classrooms; etc...

Not to mention: laundry.

But, the more I think about it, the more I blame reading The Glass Castle, by Jeannette Walls.

The other day my husband asked what I want to do for my birthday this month. I told him I don't want to do anything normal (a nice dinner with cake, ice cream, presents, etc.). Shocked, he said, "Liz, are you depressed?" I laughed. "No, I'm just tired of feeling like I have to stick to traditions, especially ones that cost money. I want to do something, maybe take the kids hiking somewhere cool - that's what I want to do."

Tonight my husband asked if I would like to plan a special trip in December during his week off. His brother and his wife invited our family to join them for two days at a resort hotel with an indoor water slide (they have discount tickets). "No," I said, "We don't have to spend money to have fun together. We don't have to do exciting things just because others around us are. We can find happiness in so many other ways." My husband didn't seem to agree but declined the invitation anyway. He grumbled something about hating being poor, but I told him we need to appreciate what we have. Life is so simple right now; if we can keep a healthy perspective, I believe it can be quite enjoyable.

The examples from The Glass Castle are extremes, to put it lightly. Everything in the book is extreme, really. But, it rubbed off on me, probably more than my husband is appreciating yet. There are so many other ways to live, to experience life and joy, besides what I feel like we have filled our life with thus far.

I don't know if I would recommend this book to another person. There was a lot of language and some uncomfortable situations that at two different places made me put the book down and decide not to finish it. I am glad now that I did finish it. I feel like it has helped me to re-prioritize and consider new ways to live my life and look for happiness besides the most common way which seems to most often include materialistic means.

The Obvious Explanation

I LOVE this children's book. My kids never tire of it and we always laugh when we read it. My 3-year old carried it around with him all day. It is just a silly and cute book that teaches that baby teeth are supposed to fall out, among other unusual bodily tendencies.

I also love how the book reminds me that children really do think and reason through things differently - and how important it is for parents to explain things so that they can understand them. I often expect my kids to just get it because it is really so obvious. Rarely is this the case, however.

But really, I should understand this better than anyone and thus offer greater explanations to my children. This is because I am usually one of the few who just can't seem to see the obvious answer. I draw conclusions that are the exact opposite of the obvious ones. Sometimes this comes in handy - but it's pretty rare. Maybe if I were in law school it would be a useful trait. But, more than anything, right now it just gives me a greater ability to completely empathize with my children.

A Day of "Jackaroo"

I just finished reading Jackaroo, by Cynthia Voigt. Yes, just barely.

I was impressed by the description of Gwyn's mother, the ever-present sadness in her voice, her statement that 'death is easy for us, it is life that is hard' clearly revealing the non-existent joy in her life. I told myself early in the book that her unhappiness was most likely due to the fact that she busied herself too much in her daily duties and responsibilities. I felt sad for her as a mom.

As I thought this, I wondered also if I get caught up in the motions with each day's duties - just as Gwyn's mother does in the book. I thought about my day today: making breakfast; encouraging the kids to do their chores; vacuuming the house; searching for a soccer uniform; finding outfits for each of the kids and encouraging them to get dressed; making beds; picking up children's clothing carelessly flung on the floor; cleaning up breakfast; switching and starting loads of laundry; changing poopy diapers; breaking up fights; driving; going through loose school papers, corrected homework, newsletters from teachers, and artwork; putting things away; collecting money from other soccer moms to buy gifts for the team's volunteer coaches; chasing my 1-year old around; organizing mail, bills, receipts and updating the budget; folding laundry; making lunch; looking through cookbooks to plan the meals for the week; driving; getting gas in the mini van; circling inside a Super Wal-Mart, too far away to visit often, while trying to appease four kids, visit the restroom for each of them, and try not to forget to buy anything necessary and comparably inexpensive; giving various lectures on why it is good to love and be nice to your siblings; making dinner; etc., and all this amongst continuous cleaning, mediating senseless sibling rivalry, and counting ("to 1, 2, and 3").

I am wondering how happy I appeared to be from my children's perspective. I doubt I was smiling, and I'm sure I wasn't whistling a tune for the majority of the day.

Wouldn't it be nice, I thought, if a masked horseman rode up and gave me a purse full of money, or deep clean my entire house? Would I want to be relieved of my duties, if even just for a short while?

As I continued to read, I recognized how wonderful it is to have work to do, to be busy and productive, especially in the service of others. I felt secure and good inside as I thought of how much I love to work, even though I don't make and knead my own loaves of bread or have horses to curry and exercise. I think work is constructive and calming to our beings. I have been quite unmotivated lately, more possibly than ever before in my life. I am not sure why this is, but I hope that these reflections of Jackaroo will affect me - and maybe even boot me out into the cold falling rain. (Yes, it is raining here - a lot lately.) Reading the descriptions of Gwyn's responsibilities brings me to my knees in gratitude. I thought of while my husband and I did dishes together last night.

In general, I liked reading Jackaroo, but not so much that I would read it again. I felt as if something was missing as it concluded. I read it quickly, most of it today, and longed for a bit more depth to the characters and their relationships. I guess I would refer to it as 'super light reading' but it was enjoyable nonetheless.

Stargirl

I finished reading Stargirl, by Jerry Spinelli.

Initially, I was excited to read it and had high expectations because of a recommendation from a friend.

The first few chapters had me spell-bound. I loved it - maybe more, simply because we lived in Arizona for a year?

Then, in the middle, I felt like the language suddenly didn't flow as well, thoughts were disjointed. It became a little boring, a little (painfully) predictable, and I felt like it was a struggle to read very far before becoming disinterested.

But, I was curious enough; I kept reading. Suddenly, it felt magical again and I spent the last few chapters cry-ing, seriously crying.

I feel like the book changed me - and I like that.

Children's Book

Okay, another morning spent building a big fort and reading a few library books, before I HAD to take a little nap, just right there on the floor. My 2-year old played happily in his fort.

He really liked this book. It is super cute and clever. It has great onomatopoeia, rhyming, and fun illustrations.

Pretty soon I think he might figure out that whenever I read books with him, I need to take a nap. I wonder if he will think that is a good thing or a bad thing. He could get away with a lot if he wanted to while I am sleeping.

Another Children's Book

This is one of my all-time favorite children's books: "Hugs and Kisses." It is one that I have read many, many times to all of my children, and I still love it. My two-year old wanted me to read it to him again yesterday, inside his fort. The words feel magical and there is a nice message (especially for moms). It's beautifully written and the water colors in it are simply wonderful.

Oxygen and Earplugs

One of 52 "Proven Stress Reducers" from the BYU Counseling and Development Center states: "Be prepared to wait. A paperback can make a wait in a post office line almost pleasant."

I tried this today while I had my oil changed. BUT I also had four young children with me. I don't think those proven stress reducers were meant for me.


I am reading Oxygen by Carol Cassella. It is so good. My husband heard the author speak last week and ordered it from Amazon the same night. He asked me to read it first. I'm glad he did. It is about an anesthesiologist, and it has opened my eyes to what my husband is doing during his long, 12-hour shifts each day.

Another stress reducer states: "Wear earplugs. If you need to find quiet at home, pop in some earplugs."

Hmmm. Maybe I can figure out how to get more time to read this book after all.

Narnia

My kids and I recently started reading Narnia. We finished The Magician's Nephew last week and we are currently in the middle of The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. I've wondered at times if the stories are too tense for my kids, but they have loved them. I have also enjoyed re-reading it (the last time was in elementary school) - the language is so beautiful. Sometimes I find myself reading it intently and look up to see my children out cold. The next night I discover they missed quite a bit of the story because they had been asleep for so long while I was reading.

Mother's Day This Year

Mother's Day has always been a holiday that I look forward to because my husband totally spoils me (he was taught well). Breakfast, diapers, dishes, laundry, putting the kids to bed, etc. - things that he mostly only does once a year, on Mother's Day. (The BEST is when Mother's Day lands on a Sunday. Really.)

But, this year, I feel different, and I have been trying to figure out why. I wondered if it is because my children are old enough to appreciate the holiday and present me with gifts. My 5-year old daughter described to me the "surprise" mother's day gift she is making for me as I drove her to pre-school this morning. I told her that I am very excited about it (a necklace - wow!). I wondered if it is because of the ever-present, hovering cloud of stress due to The Move in 2 1/2 weeks.

But, finally, while writing this, I think I've pinpointed the reason. Last week, while pondering about my oldest son and how he seems to ignore about 80% of what I say, and is, therefore, constantly getting into trouble, I recognized that I am trying to control my kids through discipline, rather than instruct and guide them. Since then I have tried to see and treat him differently, using more positive reinforcement than negative. The effects have been noticeable and encouraging.

A friend, an extremely reputable source, recommended this book: The Mother in Me: Real-World Reflections on Growing Into Motherhood. I immediately ordered it a few weeks ago and read it today while my kids were playing outside. I couldn't put it down. Some of the reflections touched me deeply. Some thoughts explained word for word the experiences that I am having in my life right now. Some thoughts brought back strong feelings from when my children were newly born. As I read them, I felt strengthened, saddened at times, and lifted as I was reminded of the enormous and wonderful work mothers are blessed with.

As my children grow and become more independent, I am simply humbled and amazed by them. I expect a lot of them, but I desperately want them to be happy. So much is clouded day after day with the little responsibilities of life. I recognize now that this Mother's Day is serving as a reminder for me, more than anything else, of my responsibility to mother, nurture, teach, love, and guide my children. Any gifts or acts of love that I receive this year from my husband and children will only be added bonuses to this gift, this reminder, that I have already received.

The Frog Prince

We found another great children's book: The Frog Prince.

The writing is beautiful (especially in the beginning), flows well, and easily draws kids in. The story was a good one, although the ending was a little weak. But, the lesson is a good one for my kids right now: the importance of always keeping the promises that you make.

APPRECIATING BEAUTY AND SIMPLICITY

I read this book last year, and am now re-reading it. It is so completely refreshing and thought-provoking; I highly recommend it.

I tried to add an image link to it with Amazon, but there is no image available. It is called Plain and Simple: A Woman's Journey to the Amish by Sue Bender, (here is a link w/o the image: Plain and Simple and an image taken from the Harper Collins Publishers website).

The true story provides an absolutely wonderful experience. The author's thoughts help me to have a different perspective on life, and most importantly, to slow down and enjoy the simple and beautiful things that surround me every day. I borrowed it from my mom and don't know if I'll ever be able to return it - I could read it again and again. (I am mostly type A/red-with-a-little-blue personality, so this book really speaks to me.)

MYSTERY SERIES FOR KIDS

This is one of our latest favorite series of books: Nate the Great.

My 7-year old and 5-year old love them. They are cute "mysteries" that are not scary in any way. My kids get nervous with the Cam Jansen series, even though they love them, so we cannot read them right before bed like we can read these. 

SLEEP DEPRIVED

Because I am staying up all hours of the night now that I have discovered blogging, I am slowly noticing the effects of long-term sleep deprivation.

I am CRAVING sugar, specifically chocolate, but will intake anything that my body recognizes as something that will provide quick energy.

I cannot read a book to my kids without ending it with, "Mommy's just going to take a little nap for a minute, okay?, and then we will read more books." It's not really a question. I am out cold - immediately - as soon as I lay down on the floor (to provide a false sense of security that mommy really is there.)


(By the way, this children's book (DogFish) is my latest favorite! We just barely checked it out from the library, but I am going to buy a copy. The mom in it is so wise. I think I will start highlighting children's books in the blog - it is hard to find really good ones.)

I absolutely cannot remember any new information, no matter the pathway in which it was received.

I fall asleep faster than my husband, which has never happened before, and really shouldn't happen.

And my favorite, my mommy-of-four-tummy is returning. I have been working out a lot and was feeling really good about my progress, but now, those are just sweet memories.

But, hopefully soon I will feel more comfortable in this new BLOG world and will not need to stay up late trying to finalize my ideas, designs, social contacting, etc. etc. etc., or am I being totally naive?