Unfortunately, it all hit the fan today.
But, it gets worse, my husband had the day off and he actually saw me handling it as it hit.
Yes, there have been times in the past that I have suddenly realized with a pang of guilt that I am the worst mom in the world. But, my husband has never been home at the precise moment when the painful emotional outbursts occurred. He has always been in a medical school class, the library, or a hospital when the seemingly endless self-depreciating thoughts whirled and tears gushed forth.
My husband doesn't like it when I cry. I don't know why. I've heard most men don't like it when girls cry. But, I like to cry. I think it is cleansing, strengthening, and renewing, in a powerful way. I don't cry often, but when I do, I am usually in the shower.
This is all I probably needed today. The usual, semi-annual 'cry it out' session, a little sleep, and then some laughs about it later.
But I was not in the shower today. I was balling while driving my car. We saw my husband while he was out biking. He saw us. He rode up to the car. I balled more. Then suddenly, his biking buddy/Elder's Quorum President rode up beside him. They both stood there, staring at me uncontrollably bawl-ing without sunglasses.
So, this one somehow felt worse afterwards, and not as cleansing, maybe because my husband witnessed it?
He has since been completely attentive and helpful with cleaning, cooking, and helping get the kids ready for bed. Maybe I should have let him witness one of my semi-annual meltdowns earlier. But, it's only been 11 hours, maybe he will forget it ever happened.