A normal day. But full of anxiety. Waiting. Wondering. Anticipating a change. But not sure if one will come. Will these moments always be present? I recall feeling like we had "made it" once my husband was accepted into medical school. I didn't know the following eight years would be full of additional applications, matches, ranking, decisions... yes, it's the decisions that weigh on and gnaw at our peace and happiness. Sometimes I feel it would be nice if someone would just tell us what to do... which specialty, which fellowship, which job, which city, which neighborhood... which path will be the best for our family, for our growth, for our happiness. But... then I am so grateful for the opportunity to choose for ourselves. My husband's decision to apply for a fellowship was a difficult one, up until the last moment that he could withdraw his name from the system. He felt good inside about leaving his name on the rank list... though his head tells him it is time to get a job and start paying back on loans.
I read in a National Geographic Travel magazine the other day the following statement: "Worrying is praying for something that you don't want." I like that idea, but it is difficult to incorporate into my genetically programmed being that is 98% of the time completely indecisive and while making decisions worries endlessly - even about decisions already made (some, even years ago).
Sometimes I wish I could climb a tree like my kids do, to momentarily avoid making "big" decisions, to be forced to make small but important decisions as I climb, to feel the challenge, the rush, the calmness, the reward as I reach the top and settle down on the perfect branch, to be renewed by the feeling of having escaped from the world below. (My older brother and I grew up mostly high up in trees.) But, I'm a little old for that now, and the neighbors might worry about me (that is, if they aren't already quite worried).
My husband will find out the results of the match in a couple of weeks, but the anticipation is thick already. It feels like our lives are on hold. Neither my husband nor I handle anticipation well. But... we are being nice to each other and this is normally when we fight - which we rarely do because this level of anticipation is rare - but because we are both awful at waiting patiently - and calmly - for life-changing information.