I used to feel completely invincible, and totally capable. And I mean, Capable. I really honestly believed that I could do anything.
I don't feel that way any more. Is this what happens during the 30's?
This morning I was listening to a song from the movie, The Wedding Planner. The repeating words of the chorus somehow became stuck inside my brain, and the words started irritating me while I thought about them during the day.
"Each day is like a dream boat,
Go gently down the stream, oh,
Life is what you-oo-oo,
Make it, it's true-oo."
(Life is What You Make It, by Mishelle Bradford-Jones)
Now, I want to know, does this really ring true - for any-one?
If it is true, I should be relaxed right now, sitting on a warm beach. My kids are playing nearby in the sand.
I know, I know, it's all attitude. And I agree with that... partly.
I honestly don't know what has happened to me. I used to love the "challenge." I never thought about things before, or felt that something was too hard for me. Maybe I am being too introspective, too thoughtful. I honestly don't know what could have changed me.
There is a beautiful painting done called something like, Spoon Tricks, by the artist, Brian Kershisnik, (he is one of my absolute favorite artists). While in college, I recreated this painting with water colors as a gift to my mom for her birthday (per her request). As I remember the painting, there is a man balancing three spoons, teetering in a precarious display in one of his hands. His other hand rests on the shoulder of a woman. They are facing the same direction, not each other. He is standing behind her. She is also carefully balancing a display of spoons, but many more than the man. (This one is just a bit similar.)
I wasn't married at the time. I didn't have children at the time. I knew nothing about "real" life. And I could not stop thinking about the possible insights of that painting. I re-sketched it and then re-painted it over and over again until I felt okay about gifting it.
It became part of me.
Last month, I thought I was attempting to balance too many spoons, but now... I know there is much more, much deeper, that I need to sort out. Though I would like to sit on a warm beach and feel little daily stresses melt away and drain through the deep sand below my toes, this is life - and I am so lucky to be experiencing it.
The beach would get boring... right? Or, is this "just residency life"? Can someone just tell me that, please?