Thursday, January 6, 2011


I used to feel completely invincible, and totally capable. And I mean, Capable. I really honestly believed that I could do anything.

I don't feel that way any more. Is this what happens during the 30's?

This morning I was listening to a song from the movie, The Wedding Planner. The repeating words of the chorus somehow became stuck inside my brain, and the words started irritating me while I thought about them during the day.

"Each day is like a dream boat,
Go gently down the stream, oh,
Life is what you-oo-oo,
Make it, it's true-oo."
(Life is What You Make It, by Mishelle Bradford-Jones)

Now, I want to know, does this really ring true - for any-one?

If it is true, I should be relaxed right now, sitting on a warm beach. My kids are playing nearby in the sand.

I know, I know, it's all attitude. And I agree with that... partly.

I honestly don't know what has happened to me. I used to love the "challenge." I never thought about things before, or felt that something was too hard for me. Maybe I am being too introspective, too thoughtful. I honestly don't know what could have changed me.

There is a beautiful painting done called something like, Spoon Tricks, by the artist, Brian Kershisnik, (he is one of my absolute favorite artists). While in college, I recreated this painting with water colors as a gift to my mom for her birthday (per her request). As I remember the painting, there is a man balancing three spoons, teetering in a precarious display in one of his hands. His other hand rests on the shoulder of a woman. They are facing the same direction, not each other. He is standing behind her. She is also carefully balancing a display of spoons, but many more than the man. (This one is just a bit similar.)

I wasn't married at the time. I didn't have children at the time. I knew nothing about "real" life. And I could not stop thinking about the possible insights of that painting. I re-sketched it and then re-painted it over and over again until I felt okay about gifting it.

It became part of me.

Last month, I thought I was attempting to balance too many spoons, but now... I know there is much more, much deeper, that I need to sort out. Though I would like to sit on a warm beach and feel little daily stresses melt away and drain through the deep sand below my toes, this is life - and I am so lucky to be experiencing it.

The beach would get boring... right? Or, is this "just residency life"? Can someone just tell me that, please?


Jamie Lamb said...

Don't worry, you're normal! :) And I have a wild guess that "residency life" has a lot to do with how you feel.

It's okay to not feel completely capable! Because you're not, and neither am I! I think it's also okay to cut down your list of personal expectations, I know I have. I don't put my kids in sports, or volunteer in their classrooms, or anything that sounds too stressful to me. I probably will after residency, but for now I just feel like it's too much for me. And I don't feel guilty about it--it's more important for me to feel calm, you know? I just can't have a handle on that many things, it just doesn't feel good.

Some weeks/months I feel so weighed down with residency life, and I find myself pouring it all out in my journal on a daily basis. Other times (when I'm all chipper), I only write like every other week. Sometimes I have so many difficult feelings, I know that nobody on earth will want to talk it all through with me! But I have to work through my thoughts somehow, so I write it. And I don't feel like I can "balance all my spoons" until I do that.

Well, I hope this helps! I think you're doing great-- just know that you're not alone!

Anonymous said...

I am going to echo Jamie and blame "residency life." I know sometimes it feels like I'm carrying a lot of weight... And it's just me - no kids. So I expect it would be much harder when you are balancing children along with all the other "spoons" of life.

But maybe this is also just part of life? Finding out that perfect number of "spoons" you can balance without feeling like one is about to fall?

In any case, I wish you the best... And hope that this feeling passes or finds some resolution and you are able to enjoy the beach.