I remember when I initially started writing this blog I was determined to show the "true" side of what it is like being married to a doctor, (in reality it's all awesome though, right??) I wrote one night about how therapeutic it was to take a shower at night after everyone was sleeping, and just cry. The next day, friends and relatives called to tell me that I needed to be more positive and limit the "sad and depressing" stuff on my blog. That was four years ago.
Last night I found myself in the same moment, thinking about that post written long ago, wondering if I would recommend it again, and thinking about whether I had learned anything new since that time long ago when I blogged about it. My husband and I were at a stand still. Everyone was asleep. I was in the shower, weeping.
When my husband and I disagree on a matter, I often withdraw myself and prefer to think before discussing the matter further (matters that we really do not agree on). My husband gets frustrated when I become quiet.
He sees it as a way of punishing him. This is not why I do
it. I withdraw in order to think, to process rationally my feelings,
thoughts, desires, frustrations, weaknesses, all within my current level
of understanding. The time to myself to analyze the disagreement then
becomes an essential process for me, to grow in my ability to
love, to forgive not only my husband but myself also, to increase my ability to understand my husband's opinion and reasoning. Without this process I would merely let out everything verbally - while
upset and uncontrolled - and then regret it later. I am grateful that I can hold in my frustrations while I sort through my feelings. I wondered if I my weeping in the shower would make me appear weak, like I couldn't stand up to my husband and express my feelings and desires but rather suffered in silence.
I didn't feel weak. I felt that I was putting our marriage first, ahead of my own agenda.
Sometimes I direct my frustrations (often due to the limits of our current situation) at my husband. I do this often. I wish I could recognize it earlier and stop myself before doing it. Or at least change my approach in how I deal with the frustrations. If I could present my thoughts in a way that do not quickly end up with both of us making it difficult talk through things and understand each others' reasoning.
It is easy for me to forget that my husband is a person - just like me - full of weaknesses, pride, dreams, etc. - and that he is developing in his abilities to love, forgive, sacrifice, etc. - just like I am. I hope that I can do better in remembering this when I am frustrated, and take a moment to breath and analyze things before I present them to my husband, so that we can work through things together and not steer in completely opposite directions... particularly where I end up in the shower.
Because... I know my husband is worth it, and I know our marriage is worth it also.