Thursday, May 6, 2010

Wanting to be Pregnant?

Yes, that is me, in the middle, waiting in line to receive my graduate diploma (I still had two more months of pregnancy left at the time). I found this picture the other day and have decided that I need to look at it every once in a while. to remember.

Last night I was reading a little story in the Friend magazine to my kids while they laid in bed. It was about a mother and father talking with their two young sons:

"We have wonderful news (the mom said)... Our family is going to have another baby."

I choked through the words, and the sentences that followed. I would love to be able to say those words to my kids again.

What? Am I mad? How could I even ever-so-slightly long to have another baby, despite the fact that I never have time to put makeup on, let alone do my hair, my brain is fried and frazzled all of the time, my house is never clean, my kids take turns crying, since there are so many of them, so there is almost always some one who needs me to comfort them, or to discipline them, since, usually, wrestling or teasing preceded the crying, and I feel like I live inside my minivan - already - and I know that will just get worse. I just can't figure it out. I currently really truly feel like I am past my limit of what I can handle, but still was touched with That Feeling when I read the story last night.

(I will for sure have to censor this post from my husband.)

Sure, it is crazy, insane, chaotic, etc. all the time, but That Feeling, inside, is a sweet, strong desire and understanding of how wonderful it is to have children, and that it is all worth it. I had this feeling before we decided to have our third child. At the time, I told my husband that I felt it strongly. It felt like more than just the normal, natural, ever-present, female instinct to have children. But, almost immediately after I became pregnant, all I could think about was the Impending, Inescapable Labor Experience, and felt that I had somehow been tricked into all of it. (Pregnancy does not bring out my best.) I just could not believe that I had actually wanted to become pregnant again.

But I cannot imagine life without my third, or any of the others. I cannot believe how lucky I am to have them. So, I have to say, maybe That Feeling really is the most wonderful thing in the world.

I think it is.

7 comments:

iamwoman said...

Thanks so much for your sweet comment on MMB! A Doctor's wife? Well aren't you the brave one:) My Hubby is back in Grad School. Yuck. I'll have to get some advice from you:)

PS. I get this post. I really do.

K. Elliott said...

I totally understand as well. I have longed to have another child but do to our family circumstances it just isn't possible. (I used to secretly wish that I could be that lucky one who gets pregnant even though using methods to prevent it) One day I finally realized that no matter when the "last" one is born I will still morn the loss of having a baby. There is just something so sweet and amazing about the whole experience (even though I am terrible during pregnancy as well) that makes you almost "crave?" it.
For me it has been a grieving process and as with any grieving process there are still times that I feel loss and wish that I could have that immaculate conception.
I think that is one of the innate wonderful and sometimes annoying part of being a woman.
Anyway, I am just so grateful that I have been given the experience, so many do not even have the chance!

cheri said...

sometimes, i dream of having another child. after all, we only have one. but not yet, everything is too much. i still cant grapple the mini-monster that is my son (and i say with every ounce of love i have).

of course, a part of my is afraid that something would go wrong, that the baby would end up in the hospital like jackjack (i really should write about that soon).

Jennifer Haas said...

Thank you so much for your sweet comment. I am now following your blog. I love so many of your posts and I can totally relate to a lot of what you write about.

Jason, Tiff and the Kids said...

You are a beautiful woman, incredible wife and fantastic mother with the most elastic skin I have ever seen! I am glad you posted your thoughts because you can reread this post when they are teenagers and wonder if you feel the same way. Love ya.

Jeff and ReAnn said...

I feel the same way Liz. And I honestly feel just as crazy. And I say go ahead and have another. :)

Liz said...

Ha, ha, luckily it is not only up to us... I made the mistake of letting my husband read this post and then caught him googling: urologist.