Yes, that is me, in the middle, waiting in line to receive my graduate diploma (I still had two more months of pregnancy left at the time). I found this picture the other day and have decided that I need to look at it every once in a while. to remember.
Last night I was reading a little story in the Friend magazine to my kids while they laid in bed. It was about a mother and father talking with their two young sons:
"We have wonderful news (the mom said)... Our family is going to have another baby."
I choked through the words, and the sentences that followed. I would love to be able to say those words to my kids again.
What? Am I mad? How could I even ever-so-slightly long to have another baby, despite the fact that I never have time to put makeup on, let alone do my hair, my brain is fried and frazzled all of the time, my house is never clean, my kids take turns crying, since there are so many of them, so there is almost always some one who needs me to comfort them, or to discipline them, since, usually, wrestling or teasing preceded the crying, and I feel like I live inside my minivan - already - and I know that will just get worse. I just can't figure it out. I currently really truly feel like I am past my limit of what I can handle, but still was touched with That Feeling when I read the story last night.
(I will for sure have to censor this post from my husband.)
Sure, it is crazy, insane, chaotic, etc. all the time, but That Feeling, inside, is a sweet, strong desire and understanding of how wonderful it is to have children, and that it is all worth it. I had this feeling before we decided to have our third child. At the time, I told my husband that I felt it strongly. It felt like more than just the normal, natural, ever-present, female instinct to have children. But, almost immediately after I became pregnant, all I could think about was the Impending, Inescapable Labor Experience, and felt that I had somehow been tricked into all of it. (Pregnancy does not bring out my best.) I just could not believe that I had actually wanted to become pregnant again.
But I cannot imagine life without my third, or any of the others. I cannot believe how lucky I am to have them. So, I have to say, maybe That Feeling really is the most wonderful thing in the world.
I think it is.